More Good News for Optimists

Faced

2008-08-03T00:43:00.001-07:00

Somehow I have accidentally spent quite a bit on cosmetics in the past week. Then on better make-up brushes so I could get the most out of the 'spensive new cosmetics. And then went to a schmancy salon to get my face all waxed to provide a better canvas. I don't know that I look all that different, but I feel better thinking that I'm making an effort.

It's sort of like something I wrote to KDK the other day, when she was talking about her past few races (and YOU GO GIRL) - and I am cribbing this from Yoga for People Who Can't Be Bothered to Do It - I have tried to want to want to run, but I find I'm not quite there.

I did buy a fitness ball when I found out my ol' teaching buddy Mrs. A had become a Pilates instructor. Because I wasn't going to actually start taking Pilates classes myself, but thought I could at least buy something that would make me more likely to work out at home.

Then I had to tell Ms. B. my weight, in preparation for the upcoming helicopter flight I'll be taking on the Big Island. And I realized I'm taking lots of other steps about my appearance because honestly, I just don't feel much like dieting. I'm disappointed that I managed to lose a great deal of weight and a lot of it found me again, but I really do think I'm still healthier than I was the last time around. Certainly mentally healthier.

Vote with your dollar

2008-07-30T22:33:00.000-07:00

I am fond of avoiding companies whose ads irritate the crap out of me. Newly blackballed? T-Mobile. Those horrible "Hello" commercials where people are on the phone CONSTANTLY having inane conversations and ignoring the HUMAN BEINGS around them are exemplifying everything wrong with mobile phone culture.

Of course I wasn't going to use T-Mobile anyway, seeing as how I'm in a contract with AT&T (joined when they were Cingular) and have never switched carriers because I can't figure out the timing to avoid penalties, and every once in a while decide my phone is hopelessly dated and re-sign my contract because it's easier to get a phone through my current plan than do research and buy one.

I will add that I actually enjoy the AT&T ads, anyway, because I find the "hidden bars" to be very clever, and at least the people are only taking pictures instead of actively talking and ignoring the people around them.

Improvement?

2008-06-13T20:49:00.000-07:00

So last Friday I was coming off an afternoon of drinking and felt a bit maudlin. Honest, but maudlin.

This Friday, I'm coming off an afternoon of volunteering at the SF Food Bank - which is fun and I should do it more often - and feeling much happier in general BUT find myself watching... High School Musical 2. Is this an improvement? Hmm... Worse. I'm considering going on iTunes to download "Fabulous". But I'm pretty irritated with the use of an absurd location to fit into a rhyme scheme. "Iced tea imported from England... Lifeguard imported from Spain... Towels imported from Turkey... and turkey imported from Maine." Uh, Maine? Is turkey truly a chief export?

Sentencing

2008-06-06T18:02:00.000-07:00

I love this city. I love being able to say I live in San Francisco. I love every bus ride home, looking around and knowing I belong here.

And I think by living here I've subjected myself to a life sentence of being alone. All melodrama aside, I honestly don't think I'm going to meet anyone here to share my life with. By living here, I feel like I've agreed to live alone.

Which isn't to say I can't start my own family - I certainly can. And I'm excited and joyous about the thought of having my own child to share this wonderful, incredible home with. I'm reasonably certain I can deal with doing this on my own, or I wouldn't entertain the idea in the first place. Still, it seems so terribly sad and unfair that the choice I get is learn to like being alone or stay miserable.

I wish I knew how to be more positive. I wish I knew how to believe I can get everything I want. But I can't. I have to content myself with feeling fortunate that I can get most of what I want, and be strong enough to convince myself the rest is just so much accessorizing.

So fuck you, optimists. Realism is where it's at, and it will have to do.

In my current maudlin moment, I find myself listening to "Irreplacable" by Beyonce over and over, but it's not the positive message of "I'll find someone else" I find myself absorbing so much as "You must not know 'bout me". Because seriously? If you knew 'bout me, you'd know I can handle anything. Doesn't mean I like it. Just means I can handle it. And that's not such a bad leg up on the rest of the world.

Slow to update

2008-04-27T21:00:00.000-07:00

I've thought about several things to post to the blog, and just haven't quite made it here yet. And I really could start being more interesting, especially since I purchased one of these and can now post stuff like this.

Of course, that took 3 tries and 10 minutes, which helps explain why these posts are so infrequent. They're like precious gold, folks - treasure 'em.

Anyway, I had a great week in Florida visiting my fabulous and lovely friend J.N. the A.P., and met spent some time with her boys up on the coast. The trip was somewhat marred by those bastards at American Airlines, who do not deal well with scheduling changes and held my suitcase hostage for four days. I hate them. I really hate them. But to make up for that, I will list five things that were great about the trip - Seeing J.N., snorkelling, key lime pie, ordering empanadas with hog plums (sounds scary, tastes yummy, and thank God I think they were actually plums as in fruit and not something else), and playing with the little N's.

I've been put on a trial team at work, which means I'll be putting in longer hours. Perhaps ludicrous hours, but I kinda hope not. Because I'm feeling old and tired. Eager to make some money in the short term, but concerned about actually passing out in the office and of coming home to decide I don't really care if my laundry stays on the armchair in my living room for a month. Worse things could happen. At least it's clean laundry. For now.

Lesson Unlearned

2008-03-30T22:32:00.000-07:00

I'm watching Ella Enchanted - it's Disney-corny, but still pretty cute. Book was better. Which reminds me, I stumbled across this site the other day that reviews young adult novels I remember quite fondly. The covers alone bring back lots of good memories.

Anyway, this movie is another Cindarella redux, in the plucky heroine vein. The independent girl who is more concerned with social justice and intellectual pursuits than the incredibly handsome prince, who is captivated by her spirit and while she isn't interested in him at all she eventually falls for him because besides being incredibly handsome he also turns out to be well-meaning and spirited himself.

Like many girls, I identified with the plucky heroines. But I really DID think I was the plucky heroine. I really DID think I was different, and someone would find me captivating because of my spirit.

And that may still happen. In the retirement home. Which is why the Race Ghost Part II sketch is more documentary than skit.

Shout Out to My Bookies

2008-03-10T23:03:00.000-07:00

With thanks to LCR for sending me the initial invite, I've become enamored with the Goodreads website. I've been keeping my own book list for several years, and have discussed the merits of my strict 1 to 5 rating scale with S double N, and think it's a great resource to see what like-minded friends are reading. Or totally different minded friends.

I do agree with Dad that it isn't exactly novice friendly, and there's a fair amount of poking around you have to do to avoid having to enter your entire contacts list, or to figure out how to shelve your books, or to stop getting your inbox flooded with minor activity. It can be done, but takes some 'sploring.

I think it is a lovely thing, though, that within a very short amount of time I had such a large group of friends who joined me on the site. Many of my friends also tend to be readers, and opinionated ones at that.

Mmm... brownies...

2008-02-26T20:13:00.000-08:00

I forgot just how delicious chocolatey chewy warm walnut fudge brownies are. And I made some Sunday, from a box, no less, and they. Were. Awesome. I took them out of the oven and NOM NOM NOM!!! I had one. And got up to have another one NOM NOM NOM!!! And then I couldn't find the brownie I had just picked up so I had to go get another one NOM NOM NOM!!! I thought to myself is THIS why I went to the gym, so I could eat more brownies and not because I already have a big enough butt and my inner voice said YES MORE BROWNIES NOM NOM NOM!!!

Off to Denver tomorrow to babysit the office out there while their paralegal goes on vacation. My cantankerous project is well under way and I don't have to stay on site to manage it, and I am really looking forward to not being in my office for a while. This was a rough month. February is always a rough month. But now I'm at least willing to enterain the thought that maybe it has been a dark tunnel, and not a cave, so there could still be a light at the end. Maybe. Don't go calling me optimistic or anything just yet.

Six Crackers in a Minute

2008-02-22T20:27:00.000-08:00

No one can eat six Saltine crackers in a minute. Or cry listening to "Lean Like a Cholo".

The New Fierce

2008-02-21T22:20:00.000-08:00

The Other KM may not have coined this concept, but she introduced me to it around the time of last year's American Idol - "Loud is the new good." I went to a TKB class (that would be Turbo Kickboxing at 24 HR Fitness for the uninitiated) after work and there was a substitute instructor, who apparently thinks "Fast is the new challenging." She told us at the beginning, "If you want it slower let me know, and if you want it faster... well, we can't because I have it as fast as it will go." I thought - crap. And sure enough - at one point, and I am not kidding, it sounded like one of the songs was by The Chipmunks. I am familiar enough with TKB choreography that I could keep up with the patterns, but there's not much room to work on form and I find that aggravating. That, and when you have a class full of people, some of who are NOT all that familiar with this type of class, KICKING??? It is just sort of dangerous. Because y'all, some of these folks need SERIOUS work on form. There are women who just sort of flail their puny little fists in general directions, and their knee strikes end with their pointy little knees up under their chin and their toes pointed daintily, and I think - damn. Lady, you would get your ass kicked if you ever had to defend yourself.

Refresh

2008-02-19T23:26:00.000-08:00

I am once again looking to rasa my tabula and get a new outlook on life. A few weeks ago I was in Japantown with the other KM and came across a temporary tattoo that I may make permanent. (I will add that when I mentioned this to Dr. P, she insisted I bring her along when I do - so she can make sure I get the ink that can be wiped out in one laser removal treatment.)

I've been toying with the idea of getting a queen bee for years, and am also toying with the idea of a thin bracelet of dizzy birds. But a phoenix? Is perfect. Through both no fault and plenty of fault of my own, I've restarted my life many times. Often driven by location, sometimes by career - and I'm not really looking to move OR quit at the moment. But I still feel SOMETHING has to change, because my external circumstances? Aren't. So at the moment I'm teetering between not wanting anything at all, and wanting to find something I can want with some actual hope of attaining. Like - a tattoo.

All Hail the Chiefs

2008-02-18T21:14:00.001-08:00

I called several friends I don't get to touch base with often enough to wish them Happy President's Day, and was able to catch up with JN, who took a break from making stovepipe hats and plaster of paris molds of Mt. Rushmore with her boys M&M to chat with me. I believe they were going to counterfeit some pictures of presidents on green tissue paper afterwards.

Dr. P.'s doctor sisters and their spouses flew in from Boston, and with the little P.K. as my plus one we made a splendid octet at dining establishments from San Francisco to Saratoga and back. Sunday night we gorged ourselves on 3 courses of fondue, which ended with a milk chocolate-caramel-turtle-FLAMBE fondue, and you know I LOVES me some flambe. You set anything on the menu flambe, andI am likely to order it. The decor was really strange, though, and two of the men went so far as to say it just pissed them off. Remember the episode of Friends where the pages in Rachel's cookbook get stuck together and she makes a trifle with custard, ground beef, and peas? I think the decorator's copy of Domino magazine got left out in the rain.

I put together the two drawer-inserts for my storage console (which is what I'm calling the bookcase I turned on its side), and I believe I must have some Swedish blood after all because I had a great time assembling them. I want to put an index card on the laundry room bulletin board and offer my IKEA assemblage skills to my neighbors at reasonable prices.

To round out my own Rushmore of events, I went to see Step-Up 2: The Streets with a cool work buddy. I invited the other KM to come with, and present our text message exchange:

Other KM: And you said no to 27 Dresses!

Me: Uh yeah... because step up 2 kix 27 dresses ass!!!

Other KM: omg

The 13th

2008-02-13T22:08:00.000-08:00

I was all set to write a sad and bitter little epistle today - I've been having intense depressive panic attacks, and then stretches of feeling strangely fine. Let me advise you, don't plan to leave therapy and re-enter the internet dating quagmire at the same time.

But then. I watched something that finally caught up to me on my Netflix queue. The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill. Not only was it a love letter to San Francisco - a picture postcard of the city that still fills me with a lightness and awe at its stunning beauty - but in the end, it was also a love story. And even mean old cynical me thought it was sweet.

Things I Haven't Done By 36

2008-02-12T23:04:00.000-08:00

Haven't been arrested
Haven't smoked meth. OR crack.
Haven't filed for bankruptcy.
Haven't missed a rent payment.
Haven't killed anyone.
Haven't appeared on Girls Gone Wild.
Haven't had an affair.
Haven't been fired.
Haven't been kicked out of a bar.
Haven't totalled a car.

This list sounds so much more positive than the usual list of recitations I offer myself when I ponder what I can't claim to have done. I would be thrilled to have this same list in 5 years, 10 years, every year.

Um... thanks?

2008-02-11T20:56:00.001-08:00

My dear friend KDK is looking out for me. Like me, she doesn't understand why I'm perpetually single in this large city, and would be happy to help me find a nice guy. Or... A guy. When she finds out someone she knows has a friend in San Francisco she asks about him. Recently, a co-worker told her she had a friend who'd recently moved to San Francisco, and described him as "kind of cranky". Kathy said, "Really? I have a girl for him..." To which the response was - and this should not come as a surprise to anyone familiar with the dating scene here, let ALONE my consistently outstanding relationship with fate - "Oh, he's already seeing someone."

Which lead me to envision other new scenarios.

"Yes, he moved to San Francisco because America's extradition laws are much less stringent than Belgium's. Oh, he's dating someone pretty seriously."

"Well, once he found out that the police can't forcibly hospitalize anyone found living on the streets he rolled his shopping cart right down the Golden Gate Bridge. Oh, he's getting married next month."

"He found a spot to park the trailer in the East Bay so he didn't have to give up his meth lab when he took that job in San Francisco. Oh, he just broke up with his girlfriend and started dating her roommate."

It isn't just the fact that I have been so spectacularly unsuccessful in the dating arena. It's the fact that so many losers, parolees, dullards, and assholes seem to pair up so quickly and easily.

Things I Find Adorable

2007-11-10T21:00:00.000-08:00

My dad's current favorite video is "Dance, Dance" by Fallout Boy.

When she came to see my band perform, my sister told RK she wanted us to sing "Bingo! B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O..."

My 2-year-old friend the little P-K loves it when characters in books say "My goodness!"

Reason to miss the 'burbs

2007-10-29T21:32:00.000-07:00

I have no control over my internal waking mechanism. I never have had one. It's generally not early, but not as late as it was in my teenage years. Not having an alarm clock has never been an option, and I sleep very poorly when I know I have to get up early because I'm paranoid that something will go wrong with the alarm.

Take this morning. I was awake but hadn't yet opened my eyes because the alarm hadn't gone off, and I figured I had a few minutes left. When I did roll over and groped for my glasses, I saw that it was 10:54. Oy. Naturally, my car was parked in a metered spot. So I had to jump out of bed, get dressed, and go move it before multiple tickets piled up. Fortunately, not much is going on at work right now and to be honest - no one actually noticed I wasn't there. One thing the blackberry is useful for, I guess. Only had one ticket on the windshield, and did manage to park directly in front of my apartment because the 9-11 street cleaning was over.

Turns out I'd somehow set my clock to alarm 2, which I'd set late in the day for a nap once, rather than alarm 1. Which means I guess I can set it correctly now because Lord knows I'd hate to miss more work.

ROTFLMAO

2007-10-28T21:51:00.001-07:00

I think ROTFLMAO (rot-fel-mow) would be an excellent band name. I was lucky enough to have two nights of ROTFLMAO moments in a row. Trying to recapture what was funny at the time wouldn't translate well - I can't find a way to write about them without making it read like an annoying conversation you overhear in a bar and think "Good Lord these people are tedious and not nearly as funny as they seem to think they are."

But the part that stuck with me was how much fun it is to watch OTHER people - people you LIKE - laugh their asses off. On Saturday, friends of mine were hosting a dinner and games night and we noticed the host's yearbooks were out on a bookshelf for anyone to review. Apparently, his wife hadn't done this before, because when she saw the picture of her husband as a senior in high school with a full-on Abe Lincoln beard - that he GREW and sported in all SERIOUSNESS - she laughed so hard she couldn't stand up straight. I honestly don't think I've ever seen her laugh that hard, and it lightened my heart to see and hear it.

Petty Irritation

2007-10-28T21:43:00.000-07:00

Here is an entry to test the limits of your tolerance for rather bland stories. I have had two disappointing peanut butter experiences in a row. A few months ago, I bought a "natural" peanut butter - you know, the kind where the oil separates and sits on top and the bottom is a dry concrete mixture. But I thought perhaps I have a more adult palate now, and I will enjoy this style of peanut butter. I guess the formula has changed, because this fucker was oily all the way through. Soupy peanut butter is no fun. I finished it, though, b/c I didn't want to be wasteful. And when I did finally finish it, I went back to a name brand but foolishly decided "Oh, let's see if they've improved the reduced fat version!" Yeah, they haven't. The label claims it's a peanut spread, which is truly a misnomer because it doesn't spread at all. It's the opposit of the oily natural, and it's concrete-y all the way through.

The lesson? Just buy regular mass-produced peanut butter, kids.

The System

2007-10-23T20:46:00.000-07:00

Something rather concerning happened this week. Twice. I screwed up washing my hair. Twice. This is odd for two reasons. One, as stated earlier, I love bath products and look forward to using each and every one in the shower with me. Two, I have a system. I've had it for years, as my college friends can attest. In the dorm, where the shower stalls were next to each other with walls that didn't go up to the ceiling, we could talk to each other. (We were lucky to have the walls - I heard the boys had a big communal stall with two opposing shower heads. Although maybe this just feeds into girls hang-ups about their bodies... whatever. That's a different topic. Write about it on your own blog.)

M'Belle once asked "How do you finish so quickly?" and I said, "It's easy. I have. A system." I don't claim to have a very complicated one, but apparently admitting to having one at all made me kinda goofy. Get wet. Shampoo. Rinse. Conditioner. Shave. Wash up with shower gel. Rinse. (See, that leaves time for the conditioner to sink in.)

So once this week, I shampooed twice, and it took me a while to figure out why my hair was still kinda tangly. Then later in the week, I put in conditioner before I had rinsed out the shampoo.

It appears - I am lacking some focus.

Still on Earth

2007-10-22T21:07:00.000-07:00

This Saturday as I sat around feeling kinda sorry for myself because I was - well, sitting around on a Saturday - I was checking out Drew's latest blog post on Toothpaste for Dinner and found it was 5 minutes until Lights Out San Francisco. Which I had not heard about AT ALL. But, since it was only 5 minutes away, I turned off the lights. Not the TV, though. Heck, with no lights it's not like I could read or anything. The next day, I even bought some CFLs. I will admit I was finally prodded to do so because of the PG&E discounts.

We had another beautiful weekend. I guess that's nice. I'm sort of longing for a rainy weekend, though - it would better suit my mood. I think I have reverse seasonal affective disorder - it's like that Garbage song, "I'm only happy when it rains...". Except for the part about "Pour your misery down on me," because seriously? Fuck your misery. I have not even found enough psychic space to stuff my own into yet.

Off the Road Again

2007-10-18T21:19:00.000-07:00

Just got back from a business trip to the Southland. The control tower at LAX is under scaffolding, which actually looked pretty cool. I also saw the Statue of Liberty when she was scaffolded. Perhaps I should go around the world visiting famous architectural sites when they are under repair. I probably wouldn't BUY that coffee table book, but I'd make it.

Going down to Southern California felt disorienting this time. When I picked up my rental car, all the radio presets were awful and I wanted to change them. And for the life of me, I couldn't recall any radio stations I listened to while I loved there for SIX YEARS. I felt kinda bad, like I'd blocked out a whole portion of my life. I had a vague recollection there was a modern alternative station around 106, and over the next hour as I drove to the hotel I started remembering more. That I LOVED the NPR station, 89.9 KCRW, because of Morning Becomes Eclectic with Nic Harcourt. That there was a Star 98.7, and the station around 106 was KROQ. I guess I only mildly suppressed, and didn't block.

I'm on Earth EVERY Day!

2007-10-15T21:54:00.001-07:00

How do you feel about bandwagons? Have you ever seen a bandwagon? If they're full of colorful streamers and tubas and a platform so the cellists don't have to march, I guess they'd be pretty cool.

Here's a bandwagon I'm jumping on today - Blog Action Day. Bloggers all over are writing about the environment, in order to raise awareness. I guess. Did you know we have an environment? Apparently, we do. And apparently, we should take some responsibility for taking care of it. Or at the very least, not destroying it.

To that end, I've been wondering what to do with old vitamins and other over-the-counter drugs, because it seems like tossing them in landfills or flushing them would be bad for water tables, or something like that. (See? This actually ties in to yesterday's bathroom products because all of this crap is taking up space in my medicine cabinet. Which I need to clear to make room for... well, you know.) So after some exhaustive internet research (all right, 5 sites) I found they all agreed flushing is about the worst thing you can do and there are programs to accept your old drugs in CANADA. Curious, I did a more focused search in my own area and found San Francisco has a Safe Medicine Collection Event - IN MAY 2006. I believe I have learned I can best help the environment buy holding onto way too much crap out of guilt and hope for some auspicious time to get rid of it. If only we found a way to power things with environmental guilt...

News of the unrelated - Heroes. Turns out, I'm over it. Mom said the same thing. How about you?

Bath Product Porn

2007-10-14T21:49:00.000-07:00

My good friend Dr. P. once noted that I have more bath products than anyone she knows, which is weird because I'm not all that girly. Or into cosmetics. And can generally be pretty good about purging. Oddly enough, my cousin K.B. who is even less girly than me has even more bath products. So now I blame genetics. A recessive gene, apparently, b/c our folks are not similarly inclined to have four kinds of lotion, three shower gels, and billions of sample size stuff under the sink at any given moment.

Tonight, I finally opened the bottle of Lollia bubble bath J.N. sent me for my birthday. It was particularly lovely because while lavender is extremely common, and lavender and vanilla is another new classic combination, this was even better - lavender and honey. The bubbles were soft and dense and lasted the whole bath. Afterwards, I washed my hair with the Kiehl's I splurged on after my recent haircut, and I am picturing my hair spread out like silky ribbons spread over my pillow when I sleep tonight. Who knew amino acid smelled so lovely? And I believe the conditioner has given me a great idea for a salad dressing...

On a tangent, I found my hairdresser on Yelp, which I find less useful the more people who join - much like Match.com. Yelp has become a competition of who can be wittier or snarkier or babble on endlessly about themselves, rather than who can actually provide a useful and succinct summary. Still, I did indeed like the hair salon, and found myself once again noting that every woman I've met named Erin is just cute as a button.

Nice Young Folk are Patsies

2007-03-25T14:44:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here at Cafe lo Cubano, where they've rearranged the furniture again in an attempt to gain more seating but in a configuration that confounds for a while as people step over each other in awkward arrangements. A sour-faced old woman came in, and apparently asked someone at the counter to find her a table. Note that there are currently couches and chairs a plenty, some near large communal coffee tables, but none near a small table on its own. So the helpful manager walks around with her, trying to find an empty space. Those he finds are clearly not to her liking. I myself am sitting in a chair near one of the aforementioned large tables, so I have nothing she'd want.

Not long after the search begins, a nice young man (NYM) - who must be studying calculus or engineering or something math-y, judging by his large calculator, offers up his seat because he will be happy to move one space over and sit on the unoccupied couch next to his table. The manager thanks him, and tells the old lady, "This gentleman will give up his table." Her sour expression doesn't change, and she waits while the table is cleared of the young man's textbooks, and lumbers into her seat. Without a word, or pleasant nod to either the young man or the manager. I make eye contact with the NYM as he settles in, seeming a little bewildered, and said "See! You've made her so happy!" He smiles, and chuckles a bit nervously and says "Yeah, I see that." I said "Kinda makes it all worth it, huh?"

Seriously, old people. I do not mind giving you my seat on the bus. I do not mind waiting behind you in line as you valiantly try to extract coins from your wallet. I understand your rate of speed, or lack of stamina, is not within your control and not something you take pleasure in. But you should say THANK YOU. Or at least BE PLEASANT. I see polite people trying to do the right thing, and everytime you take advantage of them, others who did NOT do the right thing see this and say "THAT is why I don't bother." You probably won't crush the spirit of the NYM and NYW of the world, but you will certainly not encourage anyone to follow their lead.

Newstalgia

2007-03-24T16:07:00.001-07:00

"Hey Matt?"
"Yeah Tim?"
"Hey - you talked to Mark lately?"
"I haven't really talked to him but he looks pretty uh, down."
"He looks pretty down. Well maybe we should try to cheer him up then?"
"What do you suppose we should do?"
"Well - does he like butter tarts?"

from "Steal My Sunshine" by Len

Remember this song? It is awesome. Thank you, iTunes, for suggesting I remind myself of this. Even better? I found the spoken part in the intro refers to a Canadian pastry. For some inexplicable reason, because I myself am not Canadian nor am I particularly close to any Canadians (although I am fond of those I've met), I love it when the Canucks embrace their Canadianness. Canadianity? Canadisms? It's like vicarious nostalgia - I enjoy the comfort foods that make them happy, or the pop culture references that make them chuckle, or the maple leafs sewn on backpacks that let them know one of their own is nearby.

And who wouldn't like butter tarts? They'd probably cheer me right the fuck up.

Some Given Sundays

2007-02-11T14:20:00.000-08:00

Ooohhh... now I'm blogging weekly!

I've been serving jury duty this week. It wraps up next week. I don't believe I'm allowed to say anything else. OK, I know I can say a little more, but then I'd be tempted to just spill. Take this as my official record. I've revealed nothing. I am a serious juror. Actually, for the first time, I was hoping to get selected. Work is kinda slow, and my employer pays me for time spent at jury duty - so it's not such an onerous obligation. I don't think many people object to the actual process itself, it's just the accompanying burdens. For some, it's child care. For some, it's hard to leave work and leave instructions behind for those filling in. For many, which was usually me in the past, it's a financial drain. I've had several jobs that would require me to serve jury duty without pay. I put down on one juror survey - in all seriousness - that if I were required to serve on a trial that lasted several weeks I would be unable to pay rent. Which - ironically - could end up in me not paying rent and fighting an eviction in the court later. That didn't happen. Could've. Didn't.

In TRUE News of the Ironic - I sprained my calf on my way to the gym. Literally, ONE BLOCK from the gym. The muscle just seized up. I hobbled past the gym entrance and got right back on the bus I had just got off. I was annoyed that I can't get some sort of physical credit from the universe - the road to health was paved with good intentions. Heh. Anyway, it's a little better now. Although I initially self-diagnosed myself with a vein disorder, and gave myself minutes or many years to live, depending on whether or not a clot was currently headed for my heart or brain stem. People like me? Should not watch House.

My lackluster attempt at budgeting this month involves not buying any new clothes, and only buying music directly related to my current band. So far, so good. PLUS, I applied my entire bonus check to credit card debt. Fucking credit cards. If I can do the same with my tax return - provided I am getting a tax return, which I probably am - I'll do the same. Then - I need to re-examine my status as a car owner. City CarShare does turn out to have a nearby location. But - overnight trips will prove costly. And I LOVE my car.

Upgrade

2007-02-04T13:14:00.000-08:00

Yes, readers, we're changing the status of my blog from "Abandoned" to "Neglected"! I feel the same sort of joy the Bluths did when their stock was upgraded from "Sell" to "Don't Buy".

A quick wrap-up on old subjects. The LC, who became the x-LC, then the VSB (Very Stupid Boy) moved back up to the Bay Area after quitting the grad school program around October. I didn't see him for a few weeks, then when we did see each other, we both managed to carefully pretend nothing had ever happened and we were still friendly. And around Christmas, we went out for beers one more time. And kissed one more time. And damn him for being such a great kisser. Because he has dropped off the radar again, with no particular reason why. I'm handling this round much better, though. In fact, I saw him in the lobby of our building the other day and it took me a minute to register it was him. Because I was thinking "That guy doesn't look homeless, so much as he looks like he's in the middle of a camping trip." I mean seriously. Who wears their Gore-tex jacket and skull cap and jeans and hiking shoes to work in the middle of the week. Dude, you're a lawyer. Look like you can pretend to be a lawyer.

As for the job, it's better. I'm off the terrible case that was sapping me of my will to live, but still friends with the people on my team who made it bearable. The new case is actually one that gathers a lot of publicity, so it's exciting to be a part of it. Still don't think law is my calling. Still debating whether I can stick it out for several years, per my "GRAND PLAN".

I'm in my third band project now - a funk workshop. It's a little intimidating. Will require some liquid courage.

Have rediscovered my sort of secret desire to be a sports fan, and have been enjoying following the Stanford mens' basketball team. Those Lopez boys are something. I'm even trying to figure out what's going on in other college hoops action, so I may have informed opinions when March madness hits this year.

Alas, still no wireless access at home. Can't say I will continue to blog regularly. Or sporadically. I will aim for... occasionally.

People PAY for it?

2006-08-27T20:14:00.000-07:00

According to my Dad, for a monthly fee, I can apparently get my own home internet service. But oh how I'd miss the glamour. I had to move my car tonight (Monday parking zone - detailed parking anxieties in SF Metblogs) and decided to cruise around to find an open wireless connection. Ended up parked outside - Cafe Lo Cubano. Listen, I just don't WANT any damn coffee. I just want to write.

It's odd that I consider myself kinda lazy and sluggish, b/c apparently I can't sit still for long. Like through an entire movie. Over the past few days, I've watched 4 and haven't sat still through any of them. I was making quiche, doing laundry, paying bills, cleaning the kitchen, taking out trash, making mashed potatoes... I just can't SIT. I felt guilty that I wasn't at least online writing, but didn't really feel like lugging my laptop over my shoulder down the street - so since I had to move the car anyway, here I am. I tell you - I kill many, many, little tiny helpless birds with one small stone.

Another Foray into the Blogosphere

2006-08-14T20:35:00.000-07:00

Check it out, y'all! I'm blogging for SF Metblogs! Now I can dazzle untold anonymous dozens of people about my musings on life in San Francisco! Let me know if the photo's too silly, or unflattering. It seemed appropriatle city-ish - and the other good one showed off too much boobage, which might attract the wrong type of reader. Or maybe - the RIGHT type of reader... Hmm...

Shared Moments

2006-08-12T18:24:00.000-07:00

The MUNI is a vital player in my daily city existence. I still get a thoroughly suburban thrill from using the bus regularly to commute, and meet friends in different places, and run into people I know, or just share random moments with others also along for the ride. Yesterday, I was heading home before going out to the 49ers game (yes, you purists, I know it was preseasons and didn't count but FREE TICKET) - and found there are tons of express buses to Candlestick Park at my regular bus stop. I still needed to go home first to gather layers - not to do so would surely require the purchase of warm clothing advertising my allegiance to the Niners - but I took note for future reference. I saw that there WAS indeed a #2 bus at the very head of the line, so I picked up speed, weaved my way through lines of the milling-about, and got to the bus just as they closed the door. Bus didn't move, though, and the last guy on was digging in his pocket for change. I knocked on the glass, and stepped to the side where the driver could see I had a pass and wouldn't take up any time if he just opened the friggin' door - and he looked RIGHT THROUGH ME and waited for the other guy to get his bill into the fare machine and DROVE AWAY, leaving me yelling, "DUDE!" A MUNI overseer, who was chaperoning the crowds onto the express buses, also yelled, "HEY!", to no avail, then muttered under his breath "Prick." But offered me no personal consolation. I still felt a little better, though.

While waiting another 10 minutes for the next bus (GRRRRR), I saw a familiar face among the millers - the bass player from my friend's band. I went over to say hi, because he's a nice guy, and I want to recruit him for whatever band project I get together outside of Blue Bear. He's AWESOME.

I board my bus, earbuds in, eyes unfocused but taking in the general surroundings. As we stopped at a light along Sutter Street, I realized I was looking right at a guy who was sitting in a bar on the corner. He looked right back, and I decided not to refocus. Then he broke out in a goofy smile and waved, so I grinned and waved back. I described this silly, friendly moment to Lauren as we drove to Candlestick/Monster/Kind of a Shithole Compared to AT&T Park - and she asked if I remembered the great Dockers ad where the couple spies each other in street cars going different directions along the Embarcadero, and they both jump off their trains to catch the other, and have a moment smiling shyly at each other across the tracks. Clearly, I remember the ad - but I told Lauren, "Yeah, it wasn't that guy. It was just kinda funny."

Where To

2006-08-07T20:19:00.000-07:00

Home at a reasonable hour, and Top Chef isn't on for a while, so I decided to take the laptop on the road. I passed by Cafe Lo Cubano, which is adorable and has a free connection, but I'm afraid their cafe con leche is TOO DELICIOUS to be appropriate for the Weight Watchers plan. I keep walking. Down to the evil empire - where it is PACKED. Not a seat to be had. I sit on the bench outside, and open up my laptop, eyeing those around me warily in case they seem like the type to grab my Dell off my lap and run. There's the homeless guy in the raincoat who's taken to riding the 1BX around the same time I do in the morning, but he shuffles away quietly. I power up, and find the only connection at that end of the street is the TMobile. Ya gots ta pay for the TMobile. Not cool.

I close the laptop and shuffle off myself, back to Cafe Lo Cubano. Which is practically empty. WHY?!? Now, the place seems to do a decent business, and they won't be going under, but I don't understand why the Starbucks is PACKED and there are seats galore in here. I do a Half-Sally and ask if they use condensed milk in the cafe con leche - nope, either whole milk or nonfat - and I get one. I guess what makes it sinful isn't cream, but sugar. It's tasty. And probably still not all that points-friendly. Ah well. I still get to write it off as dairy.

And now - I am one of those hipsters who blogs at their local cafe. Color me bloggerati. Speaking of which - Lauren chastised me via Anna for not linking to them in my last post. Is that poor blog netiquette? I suppose I should learn these things, now that I can apparently claim to be a Blogebrity of sorts. It won't go to my head.

Unplanned Hiatus

2006-08-06T17:07:00.000-07:00

Haven't been posting for a while, since the neighbor who so kindly (and unwittingly) allowed me to piggyback off their wireless for months has apparently - moved. Tragic. I now have to use maps rather than transit511 to figure out how to get anywhere. And I have to type in the names of songs I download into my iTunes. AND I couldn't instantly go to the IMDB to look up where I've seen Ernie Reyes, Jr. before - which I was curious about when he showed up on an MTV2 show called Final Fu.

No fabulous updates for the month. Worked a lot. Still felt a little sad about the X.L.C. Got kinda pissed when he made it a point to email me and mention he was going to DC and NC for his vacation this week - why does he feel the need to tell me he's going to see the girl he was apparently "not with" when I saw him? Aggravating.

Read a LOT of books this month. I'm currently reading Gig, which is a series of short interviews with people in a random assortment of jobs talking about how they feel about their work. (Work kinda sucks, but ya gotta go anyway.)

I attended my first blogger event yesterday - albeit unwittingly. Banane and Lauren, who write for MetBlogs, invited me to meet them at Pier 38 for the wrap-up event to a blogger conference they'd attended that day. "Open Bar" were key words. I found that I enjoy hearing WHAT people blog about, but that I don't care much about HOW blogs work. I also started wondering about audience, and if I feel the need to have one. Still pondering that. The short answer is "YES, DUH." The longer answer involves figuring out who do I feel my audience needs to be?

101

2006-07-26T23:16:00.000-07:00

My friends had an idea of starting a "101" series where we could share our talents and interests with each other. I think Tink may have started the trend with a Sailing 101 - which I missed, but I hope there's a make-up class - and tonight was Ninja 101 with "The Bosom of Death" herself, R.K. Banane will be teaching us Mah Jongg, and B.P. will lead us in a tap dancing class. Looks like J.N. is going to paint with us - oranges, not lemons, 'cuz apparently lemons are hard. Orange and blue contrast more readily than yellow and purple, for those wondering. Oh, and C.P. promised us a Pub Crawl 101 at Tink's housewarming party.

I'm feeling sort of like Bobby Brady in "The Winner" - episode 46, season 2. Bobby's disappointed in himself because he's the only Brady who has never won a trophy. I'm not sure how to translate my interests and specialties into a class. TV Trivia 101 - "You'll need to watch a lot. It's probably easiest to start with TV Land. Get your Brady trivia down first, then learn the theme songs to every other show - don't bother with arcane stuff like 'Car 54, Where Are You?' - it rarely comes up and chances are no one else will know about it either." I'm not really sure how I could do Singing 101, either. I don't have lots of warm-up exercises I use, or a way to describe how to harmonize, or tips for performing. "You should sing some scales and stuff, try to sing a different part than the other singer, and have one or several glasses of red wine before you go on-stage."

That being said, we did throw around some other possible ideas at dinner tonight. I'm reluctant to do something people already KNOW how to do, like cooking, but could do Enchiladas 101. This would, of course, mean parting with the secret family recipe. Mnemonics 101, which would be different memorizing tricks. My friends brought up Teaching 101 - and my initial reaction was "Yikes! So broad!" But the more I think about it - well, still kinda tough. I guess this one would depend on how I approached it. Classroom / group management? Parts of a lesson plan? Organizational tips?

Insult to Injury

2006-07-23T21:19:00.000-07:00

(Welcome back, neighbor's wireless! I love you!)

Last week Sunday, I went on a really great walk in my neighborhood, going up and down lots of hills and enjoying the views and the mansions. I came home and was walking to the store when all of a sudden - my foot seized up. The arch just stopped bending, and I was hobbling. I thought it was just a cramp, and that it would pass.

On Wednesday, after my friend M.K. expressed concern every morning when we went to coffee and kept asking if I'd been to the doctor yet, I went to the doctor. Turns out - it's plantar fasciitis. Did you know you could get it in your arch, and not just your heel? Well, you can. It kinda sucks.

Adding insult to injury, in a rather literal sense, they also weighed me. It seems I am back to within 5 pounds of my highwater-mark weight. I am not happy about this. Seven years ago, I lost a great deal of weight, and maintained pretty well for a couple of years. It appears that there was a bit of a downhill slide after that. I think this means it's time to start over, and go back to Weight Watchers. I guess. Uck. I'm nervous, because last time I did this, I wasn't living alone. Not that he joined me - it was all me - but I felt more accountable, and I guess I also felt better because someone was there to see it was hard every day, but I persevered. An external daily affirmation.

On Location

2006-07-21T19:41:00.000-07:00

My neighbor's internet connection has been denying me all week. So I am writing to you on location, from the fabulous Ms. K's fondue party. How urban and trendy and retro is that?

New analogy for work: think surfing. Waves are coming, and as they approach - I'm duck-butting my way under them. Then they go roaring and crashing over my head, and I come up into calm water again. I get to look back, and say, "Wow. That one looked pretty rough," and smile placidly as I continue floating. I've decided I pick my waves.

2 weeks ago today (stupid girl brain, holding onto pointless little dates and "anniversaries"), my poor little heart was getting all crunched up like one of those foam stress ball toys. It's starting to reshape itself. Got a little nicked, though. Such is life.

Analogies

2006-07-15T11:31:00.000-07:00

I've always been a big fan of analogies. Sometimes I spend more time working out analogies than the actual problems they represent. Here are 3 that came to me at work this week to describe my job and how I feel about it:

1. I have been put in charge of a task that involves elements I've never worked with before, and has been passed on through several different people who I may or may not be able to contact to ask questions. I feel as though I have been told, "You are going to fly the plane." I respond, "Well, I know how to drive a car, but I do not know how to fly planes." The response is, "Yeah. Well, you are going to fly the plane." I answer, "OK, I'll sit in the cockpit. But you better make peace with your god. Because I can't tell you we're not going to crash and die. I am already resigned to this, so I'm not going to panic or scream or run around because it won't help, but just don't assume we're actually going to land safely."

2. Every task I am assigned is like being told, "Here is a box of snakes. Some of them bite. Some of them are dead and in various states of decay. Stick your hand in it and untangle them."

3. Yesterday, I had a dentist appointment after work. Someone asked how my day was going, and I said, "I am going to the dentist soon, and I am honestly looking forward to it. I would much prefer to sit in that chair right now than the one at my desk."

I was a little cranky this week.

Postscript

2006-07-12T20:58:00.000-07:00

Before we wrap this chapter up - it did get a little bit weirder. He must have remembered I wasn't coming back until Tuesday, b/c he waited until Tuesday morning to e-mail me. And apologized for not calling, made another lame excuse, but then - admitted he liked me. But. (You knew there was a but.) He has been splitting (uh, been splitting?!) with a girl for a few months and while he's not with her he doesn't want to rush into anything, hope you understand. There was also some stupid stuff about how he hopes he was a gentleman the night we went out (wha???).

M.K. was the first to tell me that this last e-mail - means that I won. And she forbade me from responding. As did every other woman I know. My friends also told me he's guilty of fuckwittage, and I must drop him completely. Because if he were ever to come around my friends, they will hate him.

Back Home - Part 2

2006-07-11T22:57:00.000-07:00

I hardly slept at all that night. I was excited, and happy, and... starving.

Friday morning, I went to my friend A.L.'s apartment, where Ms. B. and her newly adopted 10-year old daughter - and she told me they sometimes call her a mini-Kathy, b/c she can be a wiseass - were going to meet us to go to the zoo. We hadn't told Ms. B. I was coming, and when I answered the door, she did a double-take - then actually jumped up and down and squealed. It was very sweet. They were excited to hear about the L.C., and we were happy to meet the little mini-me. You never know where you might find new family, and this little girl is lucky to have joined such a terrific one - Ms. B. and hers have been so generous and welcoming to me, I know this little girl is going to have a wonderful home.

As much fun as the zoo is, it gets to be kind of a drag as the temperature rises. No monkey is fun when the sun is beating down on your head. And you're anxious. And haven't slept.

I was feeling OK until about 4, and I realized that the phone in my purse that wasn't ringing - was the L.C. not calling. My mood started to deteriorate, and I grew quieter.

Got back to Snake's house, took a shower, and got dressed to go on the Rocket Scientist's boat for his birthday. The phone continued to not ring. J. said maybe something happened, b/c he did say he was going to come. Snake said maybe he'll still call.

We sailed over to the Bali Hai, and had pina coladas, and I tried to mingle - but I was deflated.

He just. Never. Called. I didn't take it very well.

The next morning, Saturday, I walked along the bay and called my friend J.N. She was so sympathetic, and angry on my behalf, and it was just what I needed. I decided I did NOT want to let the L.C. just ignore me, because he really, really hurt my feelings. I would not have treated a friend that way, let alone somebody I'd kissed. If someone is in town for a short time, and you flat out tell them you will see them the next day, and flat out say you will call, and flat out say you're going to join that person and her friends for an event - you fucking call if you're not actually going to show up. It's just courtesy.

I was very calm, and I left a message telling him I was surprised I hadn't heard from him and that I really just wanted some sort of explanation because I was confused. It was light in tone, but sincere, and I felt better.

Later, D.L. and her husband came to pick me up and bring me back to their house for the day. We had breakfast at the Brockton Villa in La Jolla, and I gotta tell you - best damn eggs benedict I've ever had. Ever. "Carne Asada Benedict: House-Made Carne Asada Avocado Poached Eggs on an English Muffin. Topped with a Cilantro Hollandaise Sauce." And a mimosa. Not a cure for a crumpled up little heart, but a damn fine soothing balm.

He did actually call back later that day - after I'd left my phone behind while we went to the beach, b/c I couldn't bear another day of watching it not ring - and left a message. Tone was casual. Said he got back late from class and was still hungover from Thursday and just crashed. We should talk, give me a call.

Oi.

I did call, left a much less polished message - something like don't think I'm the crazy girl who hounds guys, and I'm around all evening so call anytime.

Yeah, you know he didn't call.

Originally, I'd bought a ticket to fly back on Monday. But I was just. Done. I wanted to go home. I felt rather disgusted with myself, and especially disgusted with the Ex L.C., and tired of the sun and relentless casual atmosphere of San Diego. Crazy, huh? I think it's a great city. I do like it, and I see why others love it - but it feels similar to Orange County for me, which I also liked and understood others love for. These places can be great - but I don't belong there. Something about me just doesn't fit. This isn't to say I couldn't or wouldn't live there and be relatively happy - but I don't feel the same affinity for it that I do here, in San Francisco.

I'm home. Thank GOD.

Hey, It's Good to Be Back Home Again - Part 1

2006-07-10T09:32:00.000-07:00

I can't remember the last time I was so happy to come home from a vacation. If nothing else, despite all the awkward moments and painful memories I created on this trip, I am comforted to feel like I really belong here in San Francisco and to call it home.

I knew I was going to San Diego back in March, when the L.C. told me he was moving there and said "Now you'll have someone to visit in San Diego," and "You'll have to come visit me there."

My plans began to crystallize when the firm gave us Monday, July 3, as an additional holiday. Considering we also had the 4th, and I would get a birthday holiday on the 5th, I could take a whole week off and it would only cost me 2 PTO days.

So I began studiously repeating to myself, "I am going to San Diego to see W.W. (Snake), and D.L., and I will also catch up with A.L. and Ms. B. - and maybe I'll meet up with the L.C. for drinks or something."

I do love all of the initialled dearly, and it has been too long since I've seen them - but I was clearly going to S.D. with a goal - to get the L.C. to finally profess his love for me, and to get some. Both seemed like distinct possibilities after a series of e-mail exchanges - "When are you coming down here?" "Do you still have my contact info?" "Call me when you get in." "Looking forward to seeing you..." K. (M.) C. was convinced that last "..." could only mean "in my bed", but the more level-headed R.C. said it was just punctuation - an ellipsis, to be precise.

I arrive Tuesday, and it's HUMID. Ech. I was wearing denim capris and felt hot. Snake, who looked great, was surprised to hear I hadn't brought any shorts but 1. I don't like wearing shorts when I feel fat, 2. it seemed a little soon to expose my alabaster thighs to the sun, and 3. I didn't really think it was going to be so HOT.

That day, we did lots of fun things - had bloody maries (marys?) at lunch, laid out on a boat listening to classic rock, and went to a neighbor's rooftop patio to watch the fireworks. Called the L.C., left voice mail.

The next day, we did more fun things. Went to the mall, tried out lots of Bath and Body Works lotions and the new lip plumpers, the L.C. called and left me voice mail to say he'd skip class Thursday night to hang out with me, got a massage, and then D.L. met up with Snake, her boyfriend J., and me at Red Pearl Kitchen for my birthday dinner.

Thursday, I spent the whole day anxiously waiting. We walked to a great sandwich place for lunch, then went to the pool. L.C. finally calls around 5 to finalize plans and we talk LIVE. I get him to come pick me up at Snake's, and my heart lifted when he came walking across the lawn and greeted me with a big hug. I introduce him to Snake, we all go inside for a minute, plan to meet up later in the evening when J. is out of work, and then the L.C. says "Let's go!" and takes me to his car.

We drive to his place, which is in a cool location - he tells me he loves hearing the waves, but is not so fond of hearing his neighbor having loud sex. I sympathize, and tell him on my neighbor's wild nights the walls and floor in my apartment actually shake.

When he moved, he gave his TV away and vowed to read more books. Which is why I have to remark on - his new TV. He laughs as he admits he had to break down and buy one after all. I tell him this makes me like him better.

We walk down the block to look out at the beach - he lives off a cove - and then go to the Mexican restaurant up the street for margaritas. But we missed the happy hour cut-off, and they're not seating on the patio, so I say we should go somewhere else first. We walk up the street to a bar with an outside deck, and start drinking beer. We talk about all sorts of things - our philosophies, our career paths past-present-future, politics - I tell him my college friends call me "Bitter Chick", he tells me he seriously considered moving to Vancouver and becoming an ex-pat after the 2004 election.

Snake and J. meet us around 8, and everyone gets along great. Which is why I love all of these people - you throw them into new social situations, and they swim. We head back to the Mexican place for dinner, and drink margaritas. I order dinner, but I don't really eat much because I'm so wound up. The L.C. asks for J.'s business card so they can talk real estate later, I'm sitting with my legs pressed up against the L.C., he has his arm around the back of my seat, Snake invites the L.C. to her friend's birthday party the next night, and he says that sounds like fun and that he will come. Then the L.C. suggests we walk down to the beach before the rest of us drive home.

It's going to get really good for a moment here.

I put my arm around his waist, he puts his arm around my shoulder, and we walk to the cove. Because Snake and J. are awesome, they say "We have to go over here for a moment," and leave us alone. Looking out over the water. I start saying something about how beautiful San Diego is, he says something like "Uh-huh,", then smiles at me, pulls me in to him, and... kisses me. FINALLY. He kisses me. And he's good. I reach up and touch his face, he runs his hands up and down my body (in a suggestive but still perfectly acceptable PDA kind of way), and whenever we break away - he's smiling at me. He tells me that I will see him tomorrow, and that he plans to bring me back with him afterwards. I swoon. Snake returns, the L.C. walks us up the hill, kisses me good-bye, and tells me he'll call me from work tomorrow to find out when and where to meet us.

I am giddy. Snake tells me she thought he was handsome, I tell her how much I like him, we get home, and I just can't sleep. I scrawl in my journal like a teenager - "Guess who just kissed me? Guess who's calling me tomorrow? I knew he liked me, I knew it!" And I think I have finally - FINALLY - caught a break.

Kicking Off A Whole Month of Birthday

2006-07-02T00:02:00.000-07:00

Today was one of the best birthday celebrations I've ever had. Started with brunch at Ella's with a group of friends, and then a tour of my apartment. K. (M.) C. presented me with a hand-knit birthday crown, and a Glitter Pony beribboned and bestickered birthday wand. 'Cuz ya gots ta luv da glitter poneez. I gamely wore the birthday crown into our first stop - Gloria Ferrer - where the staff studiously ignored it. Finding it extremely difficult to make eye contact with people while sporting the crown, I decided it could also work as the birthday belt. Still whimsical, less intimidating. We shared 2 bottles of champagne and had a great table on the patio overlooking the - valley? Seemed like a valley.

Next on the tour was Schug - free tastings, low-key, friendly pourers. I bought two bottles of the sauvignon blanc, b/c I'm in a white phase right now. Summer weather, I guess. One of the things I liked about this place was that besides the posters showing the different types of cheese, or wine grapes - they had one showing various donuts.

Our next destination was the Sonoma town square, where we went to the wine exchange for wine AND beer tasting - and I identified a wine as tasting like Lipton's Lemon Iced Tea. Not bad, just - a lot like iced tea. We sampled cheeses at Sonoma Jack, then ended up getting sandwiches there and enjoying them as we picnicked in the park.

Just a beautiful day, with beautiful people, and I felt both well taken care of and well-loved.

Black Hole Saturdays

2006-06-24T16:31:00.000-07:00

For the past few months, Saturdays have been so low-key they're subsonic. I wake up late, watch DVDs, make phone calls, take naps (yes, plural), and usually complete one household chore. Today, looks like that might just be doing dishes. Not a particularly hefty task.

I guess part of the reason I feel so lazy is I see this as a day to catch up on my rapidly accumulating sleep debt. I have a hard time going to bed before midnight, but since I don't have to wake up until 7:30, I'm still getting a reasonable amount of sleep most weeknights.

I do have plans for tomorrow, which also allows me to be lazier than I might otherwise be. "Plans" involve other people - I don't seem to have them for myself. If I'm invited to do something at a certain time, or I plan to meet someone at a particular place, I feel there is a social goal for the day. Without these goals, I flounder. Not always a bad thing, but it seems to show I lack a certain amount of discipline. Could I devote time to explore new neighborhoods on my own? Sure. Could I finally deal with all the paper and crap that has accumulated on my desk and filing cabinet? Yeah. (But even writing about it makes me feel a little nauseous. I hate going through old papers. One more sign that I might be spectacularly unsuited for my current job.)

OK. Some small goals that will make me feel better about today. Clean the kitchen. Including the microwave. And fill the flour and sugar canisters, instead of keeping bags of flour and sugar that take up space. Get rid of at least 5 things in the kitchen I don't use - stuff left in the communal laundry room downstairs never stays longs, and it's much closer than Goodwill. Call landlord about getting new upgraded super secure front-door key. Walk SOMEWHERE. The grocery store counts. THEN, I might take myself to a movie.

Wow, that's a lot. Looks like I need another disco nap before I get started.

On I Rocked

2006-06-22T18:31:00.000-07:00

Had a great time at the Rockit Room last night. Nice turnout from a combo of city friends, classic friends, music friends, and work friends. Our set went well, with no major disaster songs. I brought a lot of energy to the stage - didn't bring all my HIGH notes, but eh. Room for improvement is not a bad thing.

Question: Is it flirting if there are no sexual overtones?

Question 2: Why do I find myself wanting unavailable men? Oh, wait. Because I don't know or meet any available men.

How to Prepare

2006-06-21T19:38:00.000-07:00

Step One, return from Denver.
Step Two, unpack laptop and send out reminder Evite to let friends and acquaintances know you are indeed back in town and still performing.
Step Three, go jogging. While you're out, move your car so you don't get a parking ticket tomorrow.
Step Four, go to Trader Joe's b/c you have no fresh fruit, veggies, or dairy.
Step Five, cut flowers and put them in a vase. You should have fresh flowers because you're performing, and performers get flowers.
Step Six, take a shower. Be sure to shave. And use moisturizing shampoo b/c Denver was way dry.
Step Seven, have a big salad for dinner.
Step Eight, set the VCR to tape "So You Think You Can Dance" b/c that show is AWESOME.
Step Nine, have lemon/ginger hot tea and watch the best Seinfeld episode ever where George does the opposite of everything he usually does and Elaine offends her boyfriend and loses her job because "They're jujy fruits and I love them."
Step Ten, look up address for the Rockit Room.
Step Eleven, get dressed. Put on make-up.
Step Twelve. Stop blogging. Psych yourself up.

Rocky Mountain High

2006-06-19T23:02:00.000-07:00

Greetings from Denver! I'm here at the fantabulous Hotel Monaco, in swanky business style comfort with my own loaner goldfish. Do you need a goldfish in your hotel room? Sure you do! The firm sent me out here on a project ENTIRELY UNRELATED to the case that has been draining me of my will to live for the last year! Exciting stuff - and yet, somehow, I still ended my work day by pulling and pushing a cart full of boxes down a loading dock ramp and up a service ramp to an elevator bank. Kind of hilarious. The team has been really fun, and we had a really great time over drinks and dinner tonight. I stuffed myself, and was delighted at the time but quite sorry afterwards. Still a little sorry, actually.

Tomorrow, I'm hoping to catch up with my cousin G.M.E.S. (maybe I should call her Geames) who has lived here for the past 5 years or so. She and J.C. have been 2 of my favorite relatives, but I don't get to see them much and sometimes my feelings are hurt because I don't think they make it much of a priority to see me. J.C. lives not far from me - about an hour's drive - and just had a baby shower, but I wasn't invited. Kinda bums me out. I would've gone. And while I love Geames and want to catch up, I give her a 50% flake factor for tomorrow.

Either way, I want to catch the Rockies game tomorrow night if I can. I'd love to check out the ballpark, and maybe get my sister a belated birthday present. I doubt the L.C. would approve, since they're playing the A's and he hates the A's and everyone in the Western division except the Giants. Yes, I'm still thinking about the L.C. Shut up.

Day After

2006-06-12T22:52:00.000-07:00

Drunks are an excellent audience. I told the guys before we went on yesterday that it was going to be a great opportunity to just try stuff out. Because the people we didn't know, we'd never see again - and the people we DID know already like us. Several people who already like me showed up, and I was thrilled to have supportive folk in the audience. Maybe one day I'll be so big I won't need to have people I know come out to have a good show - but for now, I just can't see this being as much fun without being able to share it with friends.

Bought my own mic yesterday - VERY exciting. NOW I'm like an actual musician.

Day Before

2006-06-10T22:58:00.001-07:00

Ah, Saturday. Woke up late. Made myself a full breakfast. Watched my Home Movies DVD. Did dishes. Took a nap. Went to the grocery store. Paid bills. Called my friend J.N. the A.P., with 2 kids, and had to leave voice mail. We haven't been able to talk live for a while, and I miss her. In my message, I said, "Make the kids take a nap so you can call me back." Then I laughed, and said that's probably not a very helpful thing to say. I can imagine that a lot of moms wish they could just put everyone on hold to do what they want for a while, without interruption. I was trying to think of an equally aggravating comment she could leave for me, and figured it would be something like "Why don't you just go get laid so you'll cheer the hell up?"

But now I've digressed.

At 5, I headed out to Marin for one more band practice before we play at The Saloon tomorrow. While there are still some rough spots, I'm now actually the most confident I've been that we can pull this off. My co-singer has been spending time working on her own, and I appreciate it - she even heard a harmony I had missed, and has color-coded the lyrics so she knows where the harmonies come in. I'm now feeling much more kindly, because I can see she's taking this seriously and I appreciate it.

Not sure if we're going to be able to pull off a gig for my birthday, though. The 2 locations I had in mind won't work, and I'm not sure what to do next. Not much time left, and I'm not feeling motivated enough to scout places. I need a manager.

Things That Are Awesome

2006-06-07T20:43:00.000-07:00

Number One. So You Think You Can Dance. Know why? Kinda the same reason I love Project Runway - it's fascinating to watch people do things I can't. I joined this show late in its first season, and also found the contestants likeable and humble.

Number Two. Home Movies. One of very few DVD sets where I actually listen to the commentaries. Lots of 'em. I'm currently listening to the "Audio Outtake Jukebox", one of the extras on the Season 4 Disk 2. From Coach McGuirk - "I got my fish drunk once. I poured tequila in the bowl and I'm pretty sure they were drunk - and then they died." And "I think there's not a day in my life when I don't regret not learning how to hacky sack." This set also came with a CD featuring music used in the series - I've put it in my shuffle and find myself alternately chuckling and being impressed by just how listenable it is. That Brendon Small is good. He should look me up. He would like me.

Number Three. The compilation CDs that come with CMJ Music Monthly. The magazine is kinda crap, but the music is often fantastic and always eclectic.

The cat came back!

2006-06-04T10:05:00.000-07:00

Greetings from my living room! As mentioned in an earlier post, I've been unable to access the web from home for about 10 days or so, and was just about ready to start looking in to how to get wired. I woke up this morning and decided I couldn't live without logging in at some point today. Here is my very important internet to-do list:

Research the price of a mic I saw at the Haight Ashbury Music Center yesterday
Get directions to a studio I'm considering using as a venue for my birthday party
Download my Pretenders CD into iTunes
Find out what common household cleaners can be used for jewelry
Shop for (belated) birthday gifts for KDK and my little sister, who with this past birthday is magically older than I am claiming to be

I turned on my computer this morning, and got the "select wireless network" pop-up which struck fear into my heart, thinking my neighbor's connection was now lost. Indeed, it didn't show up at all on the list of available networks, not even as a secured one. I started figuring out what to wear to go to the coffee shop, sifting through the clean laundry I finished yesterday, and debating whether to eat breakfast before or after heading out - and just as I was getting ready to pack up the laptop, a beautiful and hopeful little message appeared in a bright white balloon in the lower right-hand corner of my screen. "Wireless Network Connection: Your Neighbor, Signal Strength: Excellent".

Good news for optimists, indeed.

Putting the harm in harmony

2006-06-02T19:41:00.000-07:00

Found out yesterday our band can open for Johnny Nitro at The Saloon in NINE DAYS. Will the band be ready? Dunno. Am I ready? Heck yeah. I know I'll be more solid at our next performance, later in June, but I'm ready to get on stage and just start belting stuff out to start figuring out what works. Guess I'm just a "jump in the pool" girl as opposed to inching into the water. Gonna get wet anyway - may as well do it all at once and acclimate fast.

The other singer is making me a bit testy, b/c she doesn't have the harmonies down yet. Her default is to echo my part. This makes Kathy angry. Do not sing my part. I am singing my part. I do not need your help to sing my notes. In fact, your help is distracting. Sing YOUR notes. Sing them in tones that compliment what I am singing. Or get out of my song.

And this will seem obvious, but why is it the same people who need the most time to learn our entire set list are also the same ones who arrive latest at practice? Hmm. I honestly think everyone in our band is a capable musician. Everyone has done some work that has impressed me. I also realize this is a hobby. But I take it quite seriously, and get frustrated when others don't bring the same level of commitment and anxiety into the project. ANY project. Of course, this goes both ways, I guess. There are some things I don't take so seriously - like certain work-related tasks - and when others are more anxious than I am that annoys me, too.

Perhaps what we all seek from the people we want to make meaningful connections with is a shared anxiety level.

Long Slow Goodbye

2006-06-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

Where have you gone again my sweet?
Everybody wants to know.
Where have you gone again my sweet?
Everybody wants to know.
Where you gone?
Where you gone?
- Queens of the Stone Age

Oh, free internet access at home. How I miss you. It's not enough that the L.C. had to take off last week, leaving me with unresolved feelings and no real hope that we'd find a meaningful romantic connection in the future. Or that Trader Joe thumbed his nose at me by discontinuing my freezer staples. Or that I still feel extremely conflicted about staying in my current position, and have started to contemplate how I can make a(nother) serious change in my career path.

No, those losses were not enough. Now - the neighbor who has anonymously provided me with wireless access has - turned off his/her computer? Because the network isn't SECURED, but I also can't connect to it.

So much trouble connecting.

Et tu, T. J.?

2006-05-25T16:39:00.000-07:00

I went 0 for 4 looking for some of my favorite TJ items last night. 3 in the freezer section - Pad Thai. ("No, but we have another boxed mix..." "BLECH!"), Ratatouille Stirfry ("Hmm... I think that's been gone a long time..." "Not THAT long, I JUST HAD SOME!"), and Eggplant Provencale ("We do still have the frozen eggplant parmesan..." "It is NOT the SAME!"). And then, adding insult to injury, at the checkstand on the way out - No. More. Dr. Doolittle's. Pink grapefruit. Pastilles. I almost screamed. What's next - no more cheap brie???

Bellwether

2006-05-16T23:10:00.000-07:00

I have long joked about being the reverse Alex P. Keeton in my family. My dad tend to be fiscal conservatives, but often prove to be accepting and respectful of people's personal freedoms. With occasional irrational dislike for Democratic leaders based on their personal behavior but not on their political actions. My aunt falls in a similar camp, and Grandma is a life-long contributor to the G.O.P.

But now? Heh. They can't stand Bush, and in fact can't understand how his approval rating is at 30%. Who are these 30%? What do they think he's done (A) and if (A), what do they think he's done well? How can he possibly look at the continuing conflict in Iraq and crippling rise in gas prices and say our priority should be - preventing Mexicans from getting to work?

It's a few years too late - but I'm hopeful that we'll be able to turn things around in 2008. Well, guardedly hopeful. I'd like to think good leadership can make a difference, but I'm also afraid real meaningful change and compassionate behavior come at a price many aren't willing to pay. Someone's gotta be willing to give in order to lessen the tremendous and terrifying chasm between have and have not.

And what am I doing? Um. Blogging. And plotting. Oh yes. Plotting.

Art and Lit

2006-05-09T21:35:00.000-07:00

This Sunday, my lovely British friend C.E. and I went to the Spring Open Studio at Hunters Point Shipyard. "For 22 years, Hunters Point Naval Shipyard has housed the largest artist community in the US." Pretty. Damn. Cool. It was like walking through a tremendous interactive museum, with lots of cheese and crackers and $2 buck Chuck. (They're artists - generous, but frugal.) I can now call myself a "collector", too - I bought this piece from another lovely European, Pep Ventosa, who is from Catalunya, Spain. He said one of the things he enjoys most about having art at Hunters Point is that it used to be a place dedicated to making instruments of war - delicious irony.

I've been reading a really fun book by Anthony Bourdain, A Cook's Tour. I borrowed it from a friend at work, but a terrible thing happened today. I lost it. And I wasn't finished! Oh, and I lost someone else's book. I think I'm going to send him an Amazon gift certificate online so he can't refuse to let me pay him back. I do not want bad book karma. In other book news, I'm maybe 1/3 of the way through Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell, or vice versa. I've been reading it since... February? It's entertaining, but HEAVY (no, really, it's like 7,000 pages), so it doesn't work well for commuter reading. And it has a Victorian novel feel, which I can enjoy but I rarely find engrossing. The whole "British people talking" genre sort of eludes me, in novels and film. ACTUAL British people talking are fine, though, e.g. my lovely British friend C.E.

I had to work late (9 PM) for the first time in several weeks, which was tiring but the OT will be nice to have back in the paycheck. As a bonus, the universe rewarded me with a parking spot RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY BUILDING. As Banane suggested with my last truly remarkable parking spot, I'm taking a picture of it tomorrow when it's light outside.

Direct Quote

2006-05-03T19:17:00.000-07:00

My results to The Brain Test on Tickle.

"Kathy, you are Balanced-brained

That means you are able to draw on the strengths of both the right and left hemispheres of your brain, depending upon a given situation. When you need to explain a complicated process to someone, or plan a detailed vacation, the left hemisphere of your brain, which is responsible for your ability to solve problems logically, might kick in. But if you were critiquing an art opening or coming up with an original way to file papers, the right side of your brain, which is responsible for noticing subtle details in things, might take over. While many people have clearly dominant left- or right-brained tendencies, you are able to draw on skills from both hemispheres of your brain. This rare combination makes you a very creative and flexible thinker.

The down side to being balanced-brained is that you may sometimes feel paralyzed by indecision when the two hemispheres of your brain are competing to solve a problem in their own unique ways."

And now for something completely different - in honor of the anniversary of spam. Hee.

Oh, one more thing. Stupid food poisoning. I feel better today, but still weakened and I have no appetite for anything. I miss wanting to eat. I miss liking food.

Clouds

2006-05-02T21:40:00.000-07:00

Big gray cloud - got food poisoning. Not fun. Silver lining - finally had time to start watching Veronica Mars season 1 on DVD. Priceless moment? Discovering that not only was there a can of soup in the pantry (sparing an achingly long walk to the store), but it was CHICKEN soup.

May Day

2006-05-01T20:44:00.000-07:00

First, a word on my two favorite moments of the "Day Without Immigrants" parade that I walked past at lunch today. The handwritten cardboard sign floating above the fray that read "Dykes for Immigrants' Rights", and the little boy in his stroller who was chanting "Si se puede! Si se puede!" all on his own while pounding his chubby little fist against his knee while his mom pushed him along with a blank expression on her face. Oh, and kudos to Ella's Restaurant who closed for the day so their employees could choose to march this afternoon.

Now my own frivolous "Mayday". Weekends are quickly being claimed as the L.C. prepares to leave for San Diego and I am afraid he will not get his act together in time to go out with me before then. This coming weekend, I'll be in Tahoe and he's off to SD. Next weekend, my dad is in Sacto for Mother's Day and Gma's birthday. He told me the extended family is getting together FRIDAY night to take Gma out to dinner. I was already planning to head out there for the weekend, but was thinking I'd leave Saturday and take Monday off to stay for 3 days. But now, I'm being encouraged to come and give them my entire weekend. Then, Dad wants to stay out here with me while Gma heads out on vacation Thursday. Meaning - he'd be here for the FOLLOWING weekend. The weekend after that is Memorial Day, and the L.C. has a camping trip planned. And that's it.

I feel guilty for trying to stall my family on the OFF CHANCE that I'll go out with the L.C., who HAS said that he'd like to hang out on a night when we don't have to go to work the next day. (Of course this sad little chronicle we call a blog details how that doesn't mean anything is ACTUALLY going to happen.) Outside of the month of May, I can't stop hoping that his being in S.D. doesn't necessarily mean I won't ever see him again b/c I'm planning to head down there some time this summer. But planning all these things around someone who hasn't even positively confirmed he WANTS to go out with me again - makes me feel pathetic. Don't I ever get to outgrow feeling pathetic where boys are concerned?

File this under something else I probably shouldn't confess to - I was thinking I should turn some of this introspective romantic angst into some sort of artistic effort, like a poem or a song. But then - the "Casa Bonita" episode of South Park came on and I decided I'd rather watch that then concentrate. "Black Bart's Cave! Awesome, cliff divers! More sopapillas, please!"

Blast from the past

2006-04-29T21:52:00.000-07:00

Did you know musicians still make videos? Yeah, me neither! I was at my drummer's house for band practice today, and he showed me the K.T. Tunstall video for "Big Black Horse & The Cherry Tree" on Comcast OnDemand. It was virtually impossible to find - why are there video menus so convoluted? - but I was SERIOUSLY impressed. Actually, I was intimidated - why are WE doing this song when this artist is so freakin' talented? In the live version I watched, she records separate tracks live, and activates them with foot pedals while playing guitar and singing. She also plays tambourine by stomping on it, which further impresses me b/c I struggle with playing it in a conventional fashion. Yeah, yeah, it's just a tambourine - but I seriously have some coordination issues with it. Harder than it looks, folks. Well, harder if you're also trying to sing, anyway.

Back to videos, though - I was inspired to watch more of 'em this evening, and have found a few that really amused me. Kelly Clarkson's video for - well, some Kelly Clarkson song - features all these people singing along with her and getting caught in the act. Who can't identify? The Red Hot Chili Peppers video for "Dani California" spoofs other musical performance from various decades. Goth Flea made me laugh out loud. Out loud, people. In not so happy video news, I have never been less attracted to John Corbett. Remember how he started as "Chris in the Morning" on Northern Exposure and he was off-beat and dreamy? Then he was on Sex and the City and you were glad he was getting work but always thought he was too good for Carrie and he should've been with you instead? OH - and how he got his haircut for his second turn as Aidan on that show and you were thrilled? Well - his hair is now dangerously close to stringy. Almost of Michael Bolton proportions, but even HE finally cut it. So Corbett is apparently a country singer now, and he sounds exactly like himself when he sings. That's not really all that great. And the song is ridiculously sappy, but not as bad as the video which features lots of shots of him working ON A FARM. Oh, John. Oh no, John.

Musical Interlude

2006-04-26T19:59:00.000-07:00

I just spent the last half hour downloading alternate versions of songs on my new band's set list. We're getting ready to start practicing on our own, away from the auspices of the music school, and I'm intimidated because I am going to need to get - EQUIPMENT. UGH. I have a real aversion to this stuff, too. I am perfectly content to let someone else do this kind of thing for me. Anyone? Anyone?

Not to jinx things, but it's been calm at work and I hear I may actually get to work on - GASP - OTHER PROJECTS!!! I will still be on call for the current team I work with, but this will be a nice opportunity to work with different people and learn new things. I still feel like I'm pretty ignorant about many tasks common to people with my job. If you asked me to create a list of things paralegals do, mine would be rather short. But it would sure involve lots of freakin' boxes.

The L.C. continues to elude me. Still friendly, still seems to be potential, still steadfastly not asking me out. Sigh.

Thoughts of "marathon" are floating around again - M.K. is looking for a buddy to do this with, and I may be coercible. Coming home when it's still light outside DOES provide some pretty good inspiration.

Who's having the Best - Week - Ever?

2006-04-22T22:57:00.000-07:00

I'd like to nominate - me! Work was reasonable, and I was reminded what it was like to have a life. Movie on Monday, saw a play on Tuesday, drinks with the L.C. on Wednesday, band practice Thursday, Mexican food and an Amazing Race marathon (that also turned into a sleepover in the John Malkovich room) at Chez R.K. on Friday, and quality time with my favorite baby girl the little P.K. this evening. I napped so hard this afternoon, when I woke up I just lay still for another 10 minutes and thought how I wanted to stay exactly in that position in my comfy bed until I developed bed sores. But the cupboard was distressingly bare, and I had to straighten up before the P.K. clan arrived, so I headed out to T.J.'s and bought groceries that were way too heavy - when you have to walk home with your groceries, you should never use a cart instead of a hand-basket b/c it's too easy to lose track of what you'll have to lift.

Momentous Occasion

2006-04-17T22:13:00.000-07:00

Yes, it has finally happened. I have used the last of the Method hand soap in the kitchen. As I noted to Mr. and Mrs. C., the shape of the bottle gives this product a startling long life. It's a good product and all, but I get bored of most bath products before I get to the end of them. Dr. SP noted once that I have more bath products than anyone she's ever known, which is surprising since I'm not even all that "girly". Apparently, it's genetic - because my cousin KB is just as bad. Worse. She started younger.

Trivia C had free movie passes to go see Marilyn Hotchkiss' Ballroom Dancing and Charm School. It was a sweet film - worth renting. But what was really striking was the amazing similarity between the boy playing the young John Goodman and the guy who worked at the bakery. Trivia C said they must be father and son, but I said the resemblance was even more striking. I said they had to be the same person, and she was (understandably) incredulous. Well. Guess what. In 1990, the same director made a short film. Titled Marilyn Hotchkiss' Ballroom Dancing and Charm School. Uh-huh. Same actor. Wild.

Unbloggable

2006-04-15T10:45:00.000-07:00

Yes, look for the new blog "Unbloggable" soon from my friend PSB. He seems a bit incredulous about the motivation of anyone in the blogging community, so Banane and I suggested this title for him. Look for discourses on why Tom Delay is way more evil than Nixon, and 10 people to beat down if you're stuck on a deserted island. Eating them is optional.

I finally bit the bullet and asked out the LC. It was just as scary as I thought, with an unpredicted but predictable outcome - the proposed meeting was drinks after work that evening - and he said yes, but seemed surprised, and then made it sound really casual, and then backed out and asked for a rain check sometime next week due to family holiday weekend obligations. It seems as though the "next week" offer is sincere, but I will still be fretting until we actually find ourselves somewhere outside of the office building.

Fortunately, a plan B(s) turned up - Banane and PSB. Banane and I met at Cafe Prague for a glass of wine, then met PSB at an Italian place in North Beach (imagine!) whose name I always forget but they had a pretty good linguini with clam sauce although the olive oil/balsamic they offer for the bread always tastes a bit odd. We discussed the blood boiling that ensues upon hearing "I'm not a feminist, but..." and later at Caffe Trieste agreed that hating Hilary Clinton doesn't make PSB an anti-feminist because we all know he would honestly hate her whatever her gender. I've never worked up any real animosity towards her and don't understand why she seems to be such a lightning rod for it, but Banane and I agreed it's disappointing she had to keep forgiving Bill's slimy affairs and putting on a public stand-by-your-man face when we really wanted her to knee him in the balls. I don't hate Bill, either, but wish he'd taken more responsibility for the pain his lack of restraint (or air of sexual entitlement?) caused his wife and the Democrats who had to listen to the conservatives bitch about how this made him an unsuitable leader. Neither is good, but if you're the President I'd rather you fucked around than fucked over the country.

I'M not crazy.

2006-04-11T21:28:00.000-07:00

I know I am not crazy because someone else has decided to mass market this. And I bet someone is wearing it pinned to their cheery Chico's vest when they go to work tomorrow, to the horror of their co-workers.

And I feel you smirking at my last post, KM the Y. You won't smirk when I'm dead. Because I. Will. Die.

OK, I won't die. I was even ready to resolve this today. The fates were conspiring to... aggravate me. Because today I win the baseball ticket lottery. Oh, that's a good one, fates. You're HILARIOUS.

News of the band: did you know the song "White Room" is about a train station? Those of you who actually listen to lyrics are saying, "Yes, dumbshit." Well, I didn't. As a kid, I always found this song kinda creepy. This and "Nights in White Satin". And Karen Carpenter's voice. I scared easily.

If only

2006-04-10T21:43:00.000-07:00

If only I could get drunk at work, this wouldn't be a problem. Ah, liquid courage. I had warehouse duty today (blech) but it finished early (yay!) and it was a surprisingly lovely evening (HOOray!) so I met KM the younger and her good friend M for cocktails downtown. Even M, who doesn't know me, said flat out that I need to just ask the LC out already. And I know this. I wished I could do it RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT, all fortified with martini. I was even confident that "Tomorrow is it. That is my deadline." But by the time I got home, and the buzz was beginning to wear - fear was returning. I told KM if he were to reject me I would die. Just up and die. She said this is probably not true. (OK, she didn't qualify it with a "probably".)

But I would. Just die, I mean. I would just die. Yup.

Blogging Powers Activate

2006-04-09T18:53:00.000-07:00

Since my last post:

Went to see the 'rents and my sis in Gig Harbor. Had a really nice, relaxing, time being at home. Few small outings, read my book, caught up on The Sopranos. Ate food I didn't cook.

Came back to the city, and felt pretty good about it. I like living here.

Went back to work, and managed to only feel like walking out once.

Had more in-depth conversations with the L.C., and still did nothing about it. Mentioned this to friends and while my obsession is still comical, it's teetering on the edge of dull. OK, it may have fallen over the edge. I have all sorts of plots in mind, but don't know how to follow through with any of them. If he's such a nice guy, what could the worst-case scenario possibly be? The worst? He would say something like "I'm just not that into you," but would probably be too nice to elaborate on the faults that make this so. Next worst - he IS actually seeing someone else, then I have to continue pining and dreading spending the rest of my life alone. 3rd worst - I make him very uncomfortable and any future interactions become awkward and painful. Now we can move to the neutral. We do something, and it turns out he's not all that, and I have to move on.

I have this weird relationship with "the fates" and I don't want to write out the best case scenarios, unless they're WILDLY fantastical. Such as: Not only does he fall madly in love with me, but it turns out he has just come into a tremendous sum of money and we spend the rest of our lives dividing our time between noble causes and frivolous pursuits.

OK, back to my current activity list:

Had the first meeting with my new band workshop. The bass player and I appear to be the only ones under 45, but this is not a bad thing - because older musicians are SEASONED. Our set list is leaning a little heavy on country/rockabilly, but sounds good so far.

Attended a fabulous dinner party at Chez P.K. - who knew pureed carrots were DELICIOUS? I had 'em for breakfast today, too. Spent some quality time with the newest P.K., and she is ridiculously smiley and adorable. S.P. and I went to a fabulous spa today, utilizing gift certificates, and it was sooooo relaxing. It was the most comfortable massage table I've ever been on. I still smell all nice and lavendar-y.

Hey, you know nobody's chasing us

2006-03-25T19:32:00.000-08:00

I have a new favorite song on repeat. (The neighbors must love me.) It's by The Long Winters, who I discovered from one of my CMJ compilation disks - and it's called "New Girl". Initially, I loved the chorus - "Be kind to the new girl" - but then I found another line in the song that I may make my own personal mantra. "Twice you burned your life’s work Once to start a new life And once just to start a fire"

Today's entry title comes from another great song "The Sound of Coming Down". It's so wistful and hopeful all at the same time it could almost make me cry. It speaks to this frantic need to define myself, and figure out how I'm getting ready for the rest of my life - and really, I need to remember that no one's chasing me. The only one making me go faster is me. So maybe I can step back, and say this horrible job is not suited for me and I need to start over again. There could still be time to do what I love - which will have to involve education in some way.

Oh wait. That's why I was supposed to find a nice financially stable guy to help support me while I do that. And that - is not going so well. But shop that around to any charming available men you know - "You'd love my friend Kathy - she's supportive, and loyal, and smart, and funny, and gets along well with others (mostly) - and all she requires is financial backing." Oh, that must be the phone now!

Unpretty

2006-03-24T21:36:00.000-08:00

As one of the more dreadful phases of my job is nearing an end, I came to the very unflattering realization that I will MISS the martyrdom the long hours and aggravating work have afforded me. Now, I'll just be in a mediocre job with semi-reasonable hours. And a rather crap salary, since the overtime won't be as steady. I may never be happy in a job. It's either the hours, the salary, the tasks, the people... there's just something about WORK that makes it such a... well, chore. Blech.

I'm still riding the crush roller coaster, too. I'm aggravated with myself for not taking more direct action, and aggravated with him for making me think I have to take action here. I don't know why I'm scared of just being direct with him, and not knowing why doesn't make me any less frightened. I don't believe in "soulmates", and I'm not thinking that if he slips away I'll never have another chance at happiness - but I DO see one POSSIBLE route to happiness getting away before I even had a chance to try it out. And while there may not be one unique soulmate out there waiting for me, there does seem to be a very limited subset of men I could live happily ever after with. Or even happily for the time being.

I've had "Fix You" by Coldplay on a repeat loop since I turned my computer on. The super-extended remix. Soundtrack for the melancholic.

Tech- NO, and a confession digression

2006-03-20T23:02:00.000-08:00

I went to a tech women's networking event tonight, b/c several friends of mine are involved with the group and their party offered (delicious) appetizers and (free) drink tix. I was glad I went, and had fun, but felt a bit like an impostor. Since I don't work in tech myself, and actively avoid many techie things. My friend P.S.B. said that wasn't entirely true, b/c I blog. So a woman we were talking to asked me questions about the blogging experience and interface - I answered with SOME degree of competence. I said my blog wavers between observational and confessional, but is mostly a place for me to post news of my life for friends I don't see every day.

I started thinking about the confessional aspect, and realized I don't do that very well, actually. I feel free to confess my angst over my professional life, but I am MUCH less likely to divulge angst over my love life. Like details about my longstanding crush. Chances are, the work rants are much more likely to cause future strife or embarrassment - but I still have a hard time openly discussing romantic hopes or failures. Is it because I'm too OLD to have crushes anyway? Or fear I nurse them too long? We're all familiar with He's Just Not That Into You, and maybe I just need to really buy into this. But it's hard when it seems like there IS real potential, and I don't know why our friendly relationship doesn't appear to be going anywhere. I want tips, and advice, and I also don't think there's any to be had. I want someone to intervene on my behalf, and there's no one to do it. I want a new distraction, but I hate leaving this one unfinished.

OK, another serious digression. The Kraft Crumbles commercial to EMF's "Unbelievable" is so unsettling it's kinda gross. It could be that "crumble" and "cheese" are not a savory fit, or the disturbing nature of a cool song being used in such a ridiculously commercial manner.

She FLIES through the air with the greatest of ease...

2006-03-19T19:32:00.000-08:00

She just cannot get the bar under her knees...

I had class today. TRAPEZE class. My friend C.S. from work decided this would be her birthday activity this year, so she gathered a group of friends together for a lesson at Trapeze Arts. When I was a kid, I LOVED my jungle gym and always liked the little metal U-bar trapeze. But as a grownup - I found I couldn't get my damn legs up and around to get it under my knees. I did manage to do it on the second try on the stationary bar, but couldn't get it in the air. So I was instructed on using "hawk-style", which - was also not a sure bet. But I DID get it a couple of times.

The scariest part? Was the freakin' ladder. Climbing the little shaky ladder to get to the platform made me nervous. Then, when you're on the platform, reaching out for the bar is really hard because it was just out of reach. The instructor holds your safety lines so you won't just topple off the platform, and I kept asking, "You've got me, right? RIGHT?" Then, letting go and swinging through the air? Is just fun. Releasing the bar and tumbling into the net is ALSO FUN. But getting ONTO the bar, was still a bitch. I was worried I'd never pull it together, and would miss the catch and release part. My last time up, I had my best takeoff ever, and when the instructor on the ground said "legs up" - I got a toehold and clawed my way on! Yay! Then he yelled, "Look at your knees!" and I did, for one full swing. The next direction is "Let go of the bar", and I did, keeping my hands in a "W" so I could grab onto the catcher. My back was arched, my arms outstretched, and I was worried my catcher wasn't there because I couldn't see him - and then? There he was! (He looks like Hank Azaria, which was comforting in a strange way.) He grabbed my wrists, I released the bar from my knees, and WHOOPED! He smiled and said "Good job, Kathy!", and then "Have a seat" as he released me. Oh, it was fun. Everyone in our group made the catch, and I think we would all do it again. I want to do it again RIGHT NOW, so I can figure out the knee thing once and for all.

Wearin' o' the green

2006-03-18T21:55:00.000-08:00

I was actually free to leave work at 5:30 yesterday. WEIRD! I finally figured out why text messaging is cool, too - b/c you can send the same message to many friends and find someone to hang out with. Oddly enough, I ran into my friend PSB at the CLC tonight and he has a theory that no one over 35 texts anyone. So I have made the cut-off.

The evening got off to a slow start - the line to meet my friend LL at Irish Bank was WAY too long. Especially to stand in by myself. See, without the booze, still self-conscious. Too kill time until I could meet up with anyone - I went shopping. And had a sandwich. And sat in a Starbucks.

When R.K. was free, I went up to meet her at the 101. While I was waiting, I had a shandy and sat on a couch watching basketball next to a guy who made no eye contact whatsoever. I was losing steam, but felt I should rally and at least try to be entertained. Worked out pretty well. R.K. and I went to Blur because they have MINI BURGERS. Rebecca knows the guy who works the door - he'd just come off a shoot for a reality show about single women dating in San Francisco. Despite the fact that he was cast as "Mr. Wrong", he was still delighted that he was going to be on the show. Before his TV career took off, he took classes to deal blackjack and poker. I said, "So let's play!" and he said, "I'll see if we have cards!" They did, and he and R.K. and I played blackjack and poker while watching the Jackass DVD. I love bar activities.

2 dirty martinis later (one with gin, one with vodka) we wandered down to Edinburgh Castle for 2 pints and a round of darts. We eventually had to turn over the darts when it became clear neither of us was going to get a clean bullseye to finish the round. R.K. definitely had me in the beginning, but we'd caught up after uh... many rounds of no bullseyes for both of us.

We stopped by Blur again on our way home, and I did a shot of fernet. Which is apparently popular in bar circles at the moment. Tastes like a Ricola cough drop.

Walked home, and it was a pretty gorgeous night. Slept well - but then. Morning. Oy. Do you know what I forgot? The hangover part. Clearly, the combination of alcohol was not conducive to a serene and peaceful morning. Perhaps this is why I wore a lot of orange today - as an antidote to all the green.

Demographics

2006-03-12T18:10:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I went for a walk to see old friends, like the Lyon Steps, Palace of Fine Arts, Crissy Field, and the Golden Gate Bridge. I even ran part of the way, but found that I am not in prime running condition. It was a beautiful day, and it felt really good to be outside DURING the day, enjoying the scenery which made me move to this city in the first place.

It just got better from there, too - my friend R.K. joined me to go see my co-worker's marimba recital. I kept beginning sentences with "The last marimba recital I went to...", which provided me endless amusement. My friend asked if there would be a portion where the player went all Gallagher on us and pulled out a watermelon. In any case, it was beautiful music and it looks - well, kind of impossible to play. Very cool.

Afterwards, we hit a Mexican place for margaritas then went to the Elbo Room for video games. A guy who just got out of "jail" (we think he was just in police custody for a few hours) bought us a round of drinks for blocking our view of the video game while he was trying to read his release paperwork. I found I still have my Frogger skills, and still don't really have the hang of Pac-Man. A cute boy went to the bar to get more quarters for us, but left with his friends soon after. I'd been telling R.K. earlier that I thought my life would make a terrible sitcom, but she assured me any life could be a great sitcom if you just pulled out the best parts. I mentioned this to my quarter-fetching friend, and he asked who my viewing audience would be - I said probably intellectuals. I asked him the same, and he said people into consciousness raising and new age-y stuff - I said, "OH. You mean public access."

I like this theory, though. I'm going to start framing my sitcom moments and figuring out my target demographic.

Because when I STOP banging my head it'll feel good?

2006-03-07T17:50:00.000-08:00

From an e-mail I rec'd two minutes ago, based on an ambiguous request to stay late that was sent to me at 5 PM then no follow up until 5:45 PM -

"4 people until 10 - 11 pm to get it done tonight?"

This is after I clocked double-time hours yesterday. For another unsatisfying and yes, thankless, task.

I hate
- my job.
- I hate it.

Parkin'

2006-03-01T20:52:00.000-08:00

Parking is an entirely different animal when you live in a city. One that can never be tamed, but it goes along with your wishes once in a while. When I first moved here, I got five (yes, five) parking tickets in the first three months. OK, one was in Menlo Park, but still - before this time period, I'd had ONE. On CAMPUS. A pretty good record.

The past two days, and once more tomorrow, I've had to drive to San Jose really early in the morning (6:30) for a box babysitting project. Common in law. In any case, the one thing I have enjoyed about this ridiculously early start time is that allows me to park just about ANYWHERE b/c I know I'll have the car moved before meters kick or in or before street cleaners come by. Oddly enought, I've had two of the best parking spots I've EVER HAD while living in this building over the past two days. On the one hand, it seems like a shame b/c the car won't even BE there long. On the other hand, it's ludicrous to even THINK that's a shame b/c isn't the whole point of a good parking space not having to walk far to the car? Leaving it in a good space LONGER doesn't really add any value. Yet, it's a natural instinct to think, "Wow, I wish I could leave my car here ALL WEEK!"

They all drive Hondas?

2006-02-27T22:39:00.000-08:00

What do these people have in common?

Demi Moore
David Hasselhoff
Alyssa Milano
Angela Lansbury

Answer? They all look like me. You have GOT to try this. That was HILARIOUS.

How to Glare

2006-02-24T21:41:00.000-08:00

So I'm watching the exhibition skate, and Dick Button is going on and on about how the Italian ice dancer (Barbara Fusar-Poli) wasn't acting like a human when she glared at her partner after he dropped her, and her behavior was like nothing he'd ever seen in competitive skating before. I missed this b/c I didn't really watch much of the ice skating this Olympics, so I browsed the web and found the video on the NBC site. And I gotta say, her glare? Nowhere near as fearsome as mine. Seriously. She looked disappointed, and certainly unhappy - but the glare? Meh. Her brows were hardly knit, and she wasn't even sneering.

I met my friend J.M. for coffee after work, and we were remembering the fun we had watching the Albertville Olympics in our college dorm. (Some Olympic trivia buff I am - I had to edit this post twice b/c I couldn't remember where the Winter Olympics were held that year.) I seem to recall the commentary being even more insipid then than it is now. "If he posts a faster time than anyone else, he will win the gold medal!" But Dick Button? Has always been awful. Seriously, he's appalling. "I just don't like her line, but with those tree trunks of legs she can hardly be expected to lift them with the effortless grace we're so accustomed to seeing in other skaters." Makes Simon Cowell look like a reasonable fellow.

Awesome winter sports

2006-02-16T22:12:00.000-08:00

If Apollo Ohno would shave off that weird facial hair decoration, I would be head over heels. Oh, he is cute. And short track speed skating is awesome. Now I'm watching snowboard cross - and there is a SPANIARD competing. If only I liked snow more - b/c these sports are amazing. So fun. (To watch.)

On a whinier note - I am getting tired of hating my job. I am tired of many things, actually. The other day, I thought I might want to just stay in my apartment until somebody came to get me. I didn't. There was no point. I'd get bored of waiting for someone to notice I wasn't coming out and would just end up going to work to pay rent so I COULD stay in the apartment.

After voice class tonight, I went to a bar with my friend C. and met some of her co-workers. One was a perfectly normal looking guy - their CFO - who had named his 18 month old daughter "Tiger". Now that's just mean. To live up to the name, she'll either have to be a stripper or a circus performer.

New hobby

2006-02-10T21:54:00.000-08:00

Know what I never do? Drink alone. Know what I'm doing tonight? Drinking alone. It's not the most desperate kind - I was actually invited to a party, and invited to meet other friends for drinks - but leaving work at 8:45 I just didn't feel like it. I wanted to go home. And pour some Bailey's over my chocolate ice cream. Then I decided I wanted some decaf. To go with more Bailey's.

This was a rough week. I almost cried at work TWICE. In FRONT of people. Embarrassing. The work is stressful, the people are occasionally difficult, I'm feeling overwhelmed, and I can't see how to carve out more time to take care of myself. Carving out time just feels like one more freakin' task.

I set the VCR (yes, I still have one - I'm old school that way) to tape the Arrested Development finale, and it's just about finished taping so I can watch it now. Instead of listening to my Marc Cohn CD, which is still good after all these years but the last song just makes me sad b/c it's all about love and crap. With "Nobody Loves You Day" looming on the horizon, I have little tolerance for this at the moment. So you know what I'm going to have with my Bailey's and decaf? Some bacon. I don't know why, I just am. Because I can. And then? More Bailey's. Awesome.

Gettin' Slovenly

2006-02-04T16:43:00.000-08:00

This is one of my favorite ways to spend a weekend day. Being slovenly. Gettin' my sloven on. Chillin' like a sloof. While I love to get out and see friends, and accomplish things, and be outdoors - I need to sit around and do NOTHING at least once a month. I feed myself, but I leave the dishes in the sink until they form comical towers. I note all the housekeeping that needs to be done - vacuuming, wiping countertops, laundry... and I sit back down on the couch not doing any of it. Aaaahhhh...

I was watching my DVD collection of Undeclared, and after finishing disk 3 I put in disk 4 to sadly discover it's all bonus material. Which means I watched the last episode and didn't even realize it! So sad. The show didn't hold up quite as well as I remembered, but it was still consistenly funny, with a greater number of laugh-out-loud moments than most shows. If you are a die-hard like me, though, and still want to watch all the bonus material on disk 4 - the Loudon Wainwright concert is pretty fun, especially "The World Is a Terrible Place" on the banjo.

----------

OK, I cracked and not only did I empty the dishwasher, but I washed all the dishes, too. I am NOT sterilizing the countertops or cleaning the stove, though. 'Cuz I'm a rebel that way. While it's awesome being able to spend an entire day as a complete mess, and pause DVDs whenever you want to get a glass of water without apologizing to the person you're watching them with, or have to worry about annoying someone by having the stereo and TV on at the same time - it would be nice to share my place with a guy who'd be willing to clean it for me in exchange for sexual favors, which would actually still be all for me, anyway.

How Do They Do That?

2006-01-27T23:30:00.000-08:00

How does Beyonce move her butt like that in the "Check On It" video?

I don't really have any deeper thoughts than that right now.

I was changing the light bulb in my bathroom, and found out my ceiling is higher than I thought. I managed to perch precariously on a plastic set of drawers without falling, and I managed to unscrew the light fixture - but I did NOT manage to get a hand under it before it crashed into the tub. Well, if it was going to shatter into many pieces, at least it was contained in the tub. After this tribulation, I got a new bulb in, but I guess I'm looking for a light fixture soon. Or not. Maybe bare bulbs in open fixtures are chic.

A poll

2006-01-24T21:09:00.000-08:00

Which of these 3 types of directions would annoy you the most - those that are:

condescending,
unclear, or
unreasonable?

Do you find yourself frustrated when you feel like you have to be a sheep in order to tolerate your environment?

What feelings do the other sheep arouse in you most often:

envy,
frustration, or
fury?

I'm getting a little tired of feeling angry and frustrated so often. I'm tired of not being able to suck up and deal (or "suck up an eel", as a malaprop-prone friend used to say), and I'm tired of dealing with all the eels that need sucking. (WOW. THAT'S some horrific imagery.) I'm tired of conflicting advice like "Take action if you want to see change!" and "Accept what is and be peaceful and serene." I'm tired of waiting for things to change, and tired of trying to make things happen.

I'm not so paranoid that I think the world is working against me, but I'm also not optimistic enough to think there's some force looking out for me, either.

I hate ending on downers. Here ya go. Make sure your kids watch plenty of TV, folks.

Oh so colorful

2006-01-18T23:04:00.000-08:00

And the most colorful part of the wedding weekend may be - my skin. I went in for a spray tan on Thursday. (All right, so this photo isn't technically a spray tan, but Google Images gave it to me and who am I to argue?) When they tell you to use the blocking cream liberally on your hands and feet in the video, they aren't kidding. The video also features the most hilarious line ever spoken in an instructional video, "Assume the second tanning position." It's even more amusing than what you're picturing right now. You end up doing a sort of drunken King Tut dance, while holding your breath and squinching your eyes shut tightly.

On Friday night, R. and the other K.M. - now K.C. - had people over for dinner and mehendi. I was wearing a shirt with paisley designs on it, so the Latina mehendi artist did a paisley design on the back of my hand. Latina, you say? Uh huh. Gorgeous, too - she looked like she stepped off the cover of an Isabel Allende novel - but she also happened to learn mehendi from neighbors as a child, and the mundap owner hired her for his son's wedding. How's THAT for street cred.

The Hindu ceremony on Saturday was really wonderful. R.'s mom had brought extra saris, and one of R.'s aunts from India wrapped me in mine. I was describing this to a friend, who said, "Oh, so the relatives helped you?" No - they didn't HELP. They DRESSED us. We - were no help at all. It was a beautiful fabric, and I actually felt quite comfortable in it. Which apparently means that auntie really knew what she was doing.

The ceremony itself involved my friend's having lots of crap tossed on their heads, and chanting, and coconuts hurriedly being broken on nearby steps so the milk could be used, and plenty of guests milling around to visit with each other while enjoying coffee and pastries. Really, shouldn't all weddings be like that? The couple is celebrated, but it's also a community event where everyone who knows and loves the couple gets to spend time with each other.

Dead Sexy

2006-01-11T15:15:00.000-08:00

I went on the least erotic lingerie shopping adventure ever today. Needed specific, supportive undergarments for the dazzling backless silk dress with the plunging neckline that I will be wearing on Sunday. I will look fabulous, and it will all be supported by some very utilitarian scaffolding.

Since I used my lunch hour to run this important errand, I picked up food at Yank Sing 2 Go to eat at my desk. I have been wolfing down bites between running up and down the stairs to help see that some of the many, many boxes (it's always about the freakin' boxes with me) get sent AWAY and soon.

I've developed a new habit. Pacing. Mostly in the elevator lobby. I told a friend I wouldn't be concerned until this devolves into both pacing AND muttering. Currently, I don't do both at the same time.

I think I know the owner

2006-01-09T22:56:00.000-08:00

A fellow survivor of my high school experience publishes a daily photo, and today's was quite amusing. One thing I've learned from living so many places is that you find all sorts of people everywhere you go. Both stereotypes and those who confound all of your preconceived ideas. I find it comforting.

Today is Dad's 60th birthday. As dads go, I got one of the greats. Boundless intellectual curiosity, enjoys walking at a slow pace yet drives like a madman, and always looks out for me but still trusts me to look after myself.

Making today's entry a totally random collection of thoughts, I just checked out Cute Overload thinking I would be able to sneer, and found myself laughing and going "Awwww!" at the same time and felt like I had been PUNKED into bowing to the cuteness.

For posterity

2006-01-08T09:27:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to get a date and time signature on this post and whine about the fact that I'm writing it at work. Which I kept thinking about last night, for some ridiculous reason. "Where will the boxes go when the reviewers finish the first level? Which ones should go in the locked room, where the laptops are stored? How many do I need to put on the sign-out sheet for people working tomorrow? When are my co-workers coming in so I can tell them step 2 and I can leave?" Really, really sad. If I have to think about work when I'm lying in bed, couldn't it at least be intense fantasies resembling cheap porno flicks - screw that, EXPENSIVE porno flicks - that take place in office buildings? The kind of things that will make me blush when I run into certain people the next day, or feel a flush of heat next time I'm using the scanner?

Can't Dress Myself

2006-01-07T21:31:00.000-08:00

It's true, I'm becoming hopelessly indecisive about what to wear for any given occasion. Part of it's the weight - I don't look much heavier than I have for the past year or two, but there are a few extra pounds that have made some old staples in the closet unwearable.

Next weekend is my friends' wedding extravaganza - a Hindu ceremony on Saturday morning and Western ceremony on Sunday. Y'know, calling it a Western ceremony makes me think of the weddings my uncle and his son had, with cowboy hats and bolo ties. I'm reasonably certain no one attending on Sunday will be wearing either. Hey! Maybe I will, and then my wardrobe problem is solved! It seems fitting, since I'll be wearing a sari to the Hindu ceremony. Which I didn't decide to do until the last minute, when I found out MANY other people were and there were 2 saris left from R.'s mom's stash. So today, KM and I went to a sari shop in Berkeley to find the accoutrement necessary to wear the sari - namely, a top (which I knew I'd have to get), some sort of petticoat skirt (which I didn't know about - the sari's already so much freakin' fabric, who knew you needed to start with ANOTHER layer of fabric?), and jewelry (which I knew I was going to get b/c it's awesome, even if I don't technically need it.) We happened to find a top that matched the sari PERFECTLY. It was almost freaky, actually - the sari itself is a pale burnt orange with gold and silver patterns embossed on it. The top is a crushed velvet in the same shade of orange, with silver detailing. They look like they were made together.

After this adventure, I continued to shop on my own at the mall in Walnut Creek. KM had to go to Sacto to work with their officiant (another college friend of ours, which is AWESOME) so I was on my own. I ended up buying - three different options. Because I just had no idea what I really wanted to wear, or what was really flattering, or appropriate. I called KM on my way home and told her shopping without her was terribly inefficient, since I still have to show her al the options and will now have to return things, too. We're going to meet up tomorrow to finalize my wardrobe.

In preparation for this decision process, I went through my closet to see if I had any pre-existing options. And found a brown knit jersey dress and a black knit jersey dress I had completely forgotten about, but don't think I could wear without some amazing undergarment with the strength of a whalebone corset and the seamlessness of spandex bike shorts. Still, they get to be included in the runway showdown.

And THEN - yes THEN - I will also have to think about shoes.

The crops are saved!

2006-01-03T22:40:00.000-08:00

My internet connection is back! Hooray! I haven't met the anonymous and wired neighbor whose signal I'm piggy-backing, but I sure miss 'em when they're gone. I wouldn't mind chipping in if they publicized who they were, but I don't want to go around looking in case they decide sharing a signal is NOT what they had in mind. The whole "better to ask forgiveness than permission" deal.

I had a blissfully low-key New Year's Eve. More and more folks crawl out of (or into - heh) the woodwork every year to join me in my distaste for this artificial holiday. It has often succeeded in making me feel a dose of self-loathing and self-pity as I sit alone thinking everyone else in the world is enjoying the holiday while I'm not. I went out on New Year's Eve... Eve this year, and found it far more enjoyable. (See banane's blog for more deets - and some really interesting facts about the sunken ships of San Francisco.) After closing down the bars that night, I was content to stay in the next day knowing I had places I COULD go - but I just didn't wanna. KDK and I were reminiscing about all the ridiculous New Year's Eves we've spent together. Oddly enough, the one where we were both desperately ill, freezing cold, and surrounded by an odd bunch of people much older than ourselves - goes down in the books for both of us as our best N.Y.E. ever.

New Year's Day was devoted to cleaning up. Well, most of the day was actually eaten up by the insidious "I love the (insert decade)" marathon on VH1. But I did manage to put all the holiday decor away, hang a few pictures that have been leaning against walls, and mop floors. Anyday where the mop... uh, Swiffer... comes out certainly counts as a cleaning day.

On Monday, I visited with R & the other KM in E-ville. KM & I ran shopping errands and made a sojourn to the In -N-Out Burger. I usually only go there once or twice a year, so I can thoroughly enjoy it when I go. In the evening, we went to see Brokeback Mountain, which was quite good. I don't know that I'd call it the best film of the year, but still worth seeing.

Didn't make any resolutions this year - I seldom do. As usual, I'm toying with the whole diet and exercise idea. I figure therapy kinda covers the rest, as I seek out new ways of doing things, or new ways to view the things I'm already doing. It's sort of like an ongoing resolution process.

Talented Friends

2005-12-19T21:43:00.000-08:00

My incredibly talented friend Kathy D.K. - whose name I'm using because her byline appears here - wrote this terrific article about our F.O.K. weekend. It made me want to go to Calistoga all over again - and it made me happy that I still get to enjoy my friend's talents even though we live WAY too far apart.

The Day the Lights Went Out in San Francisco

2005-12-18T18:12:00.000-08:00

We had torrential rains and strong winds today - thunder and lightning and everything! Kinda cool. Then, while I was on the phone with J.N. after we FINALLY managed to catch each other, the lights went out around 11 AM. I had already finished my laundry, so after talking to the 'rents, I decided it was an excellent time for my nap. When I woke up - still no power. Then the lights came on - and off - and on - and off. And stayed off. I decided to venture outside, and pick up some things at the grocery store and drug store down the road. I found that all the traffic lights were out - which helped explain why I heard sirens all day. I got to the first coffee shop in the row of stores, and it was closed with all the chairs up on the tables and a hand-written sign that read "Closed due to power outage." I walked down the whole row, to find similar signs in all but 2 or 3 of the stores. Since I was already damp, and my hair had already been whipped around by the wind, I decided to walk up to TJ's to see if they had power. They did. I bought a sandwich and some other staples. Came home and set up a tray in the bedroom, since my living room was really dark - the windows don't let in much light there.

I've started boring myself. Sorry.

ANYHOO, at about 5 PM while I was on the phone with D.L. and making PB&J sandwich cookies (Did you know I'm domestic? Well, I am.) I heard cheers outside and realized the power was back. It was a moment when it was kind of fun to live in an apartment building, because you all get to share in the joy together.

Bring Me Some Figgy Pudding

2005-12-17T09:28:00.000-08:00

Don't know if I'd like figgy pudding, but you know what IS awesome? Trader Joe's Greek style fig yogurt. De-lish. I love living within walking distance of TJs.

Need to get my butt into gear today and take care of some holiday tasks - like finishing up my Christmas cards. Mom called to tell me a family member had sent a card with a holiday letter, and in closing the writer asked everyone to wish people a "Merry CHRISTmas" this year, and not Happy Holidays, with some derisive comment about denying the true reason for sending well wishes in December. I told Mom I had a holiday card that said "Happy Holidays", but I would cross it out and write in "Fuck You!" Mom had a good laugh and told my Dad what I said, then told me "We raised you right."

I'm also planning to make cookies today. I bought some cute bags and stickers for decorating them - the bags, not the cookies. I'm planning on a candy theme. Mint kiss cookies (Hershey's mint kisses wrapped in chocolate cookie dough) and chocolate chip peanut butter cups (Reese's wrapped in chocolate chip cookie dough). Making these will involve - getting off the couch.

Livin' La Diva Loca

2005-12-13T10:47:00.000-08:00

Rock stars - should not be expected to go back to horrible desk jobs the next day.

Our show last night was simply fantastic. Lots of people came out DESPITE the crappy time slot (Monday at 10:30), everyone was in a great mood, the band sounded terrific, I had a blast up on stage, the audience was really into it, and people had really nice things to say about the whole thing afterwards.

So how do I get to do this AGAIN? And AGAIN?! And AGAIN?!!! The heart of rock and roll is still beating, but the damn timeclock on the wall is still ticking, too. Such a marked contrast between things I care about and things you can't apparently pay me to care about.

Here's the set list, for those who find lists entertaining, with an (S) designating songs where I solo:

"Bertha", Grateful Dead
"Keep Your Hands to Yourself", Georgia Satellites (S)
"Midnight Rider", Allman Brothers
"Chains of Devotion", Katydids (S)
"People Get Ready", Traditional (S)
"The Waiting", Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
"Laid", James (S)
"Slave", Rolling Stones
"Every Little Thing (He) Does Is Magic", The Police (S)

ExCITEment!!!

2005-12-12T15:39:00.000-08:00

You know how you get really excited about something, and it's going to be in the evening on a work day, and you can't stop thinking about it, and can't believe that you actually have to go to work and pretend you care about WORK, and how you're sort of proud that you're pulling it off and other people don't know you're really only thinking about what's coming up?

You know how you get this feeling once in a while that you're going to hit a turning point, that things are finally going to take a turn for the better, and that soon you'll not only be faced with one choice but with OPTIONS?

I kind of feel like that today. Sort of. :-)

The concert is TONIGHT! Tonight! Tonight! The band played our drummer's holiday party on Saturday, which was - well, odd. There were plenty of people at the party, but we played in the basement downstairs and not many people actually came down to listen. Now if YOU went to a friend's party, and your friend was in a band, and playing IN THE HOUSE, wouldn't you go listen? I would. In any case, playing for people (and at one point there WERE more people in the audience than in the band) was fun but I also really enjoyed getting to know the people in my band.

(I think it is SO COOL that I get to use "my band" in a sentence.)

Cats and/or Dogs

2005-12-01T13:52:00.000-08:00

MAN but it's nasty outside today. It was POURING rain when I came into work - and was fortunate enough to show up at the bus stop just as the express was rolling in - gotta love when that happens! I even found a seat and was able to read my book, Kick Me by Paul Feig. Pretty funny, and his anecdotes are way more humiliating than anything I lived through in school, thank God.

As I shook off the rain from the crappy umbrella I dragged with me this morning, knowing full well it was prone to blowing inside out which it DID as I crossed Market, I thought to myself - this isn't so bad. Because in most other places in the U.S.? It would also be freezing cold outside.

Thanksgave

2005-11-27T22:46:00.000-08:00

I drove over the bridge and through the valley to Grandma's house for the holiday. I love my immediate-extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, first cousins), and I've enjoyed living within driving distance of them for the past 7 years. As a kid, we never lived in the same state as the rest of the family. Fortunately, we were able to fly cheaply and visit them on major holidays and over summer vacations - which allowed me to be closer to my grandparents then some kids who do live in the same town as theirs. And - I was also fortunate enough to miss out on the LARGER family dramas, and the obligation to like everybody whether we had anything in common or not. There are some wonderful folks in the further extensions of my family, but there are also folks - who would be comfortable on the set of Jerry Springer. Or may have BEEN on Jerry Springer, but I don't watch and wouldn't know them well enough to recognize them anyway. Is it wrong that I find it kinda cool and yet still appalling that I have a cousin who spent time in Folsom Prison? Makes me want to go see the Johnny Cash film... Seriously, though, some of these folks are a clear argument against both nature AND nurture because I just don't understand how we're from the same strings of DNA.

Endearingly Dorky

2005-11-20T12:28:00.000-08:00

At least, I HOPE that's what my affection for the state quarters makes me. To be honest, I don't even understand why this IS dorky. I'm always surprised when other people are - well, surprised - that not only do I NOTICE state quarters, but I collect them enthusiastically. Today? KANSAS! And props to Kansas for a simple, elegant, appropriate design. Could've used more wheat, but I recognize that some states prefer to remain understated.

More Random Shark Jumps

2005-11-17T09:41:00.000-08:00

I do not like the rubber charity bracelet craze. And I think this one is one of the silliest I've seen. Celebrating the environment by wearing a man-made silicate on your wrist?

I think the "Live Strong" bracelets were a fantastic marketing idea, and I'm sincerely glad they raised money for a worthy cause, but you can take them off now. Not wearing a rubber bracelet does not mean you've decided to support cancer instead of cancer research.

I was watching the Colbert Report last night, and Stephen Colbert was interviewing a politician from Colorado who said his goal was to disagree without being disagreeable. Colbert asked him to demonstrate by disagreeing with the following (approximate) statement - "I think the Nazis were wrong." I don't know if the show will last, and I don't feel particularly sad that it probably won't - but I gotta hand the guy some props. I love the way he introduces guests by running over to them and accepting the applause of the crowd as though it's for him running. Awesome.

In other non-related news, I finished reading The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell, this month's book club selection at work. I didn't buy his theories, really. And the smoking argument was really irritating, because for the life of me I can't remember what the tipping point was actually supposed to BE regarding the recent rise in teen smoking rates. The basic argument seemed to be that kids smoke because smokers are cool - ohhhhkkkaaaaayyyy, but why was there EVER a decrease in smoking then? Why the resurgence? I'll have to admit, one of the reasons I can't take the author seriously is because - he has ridiculour hair. One of those poofy wild curly dos that make the person look like they're trying to emulate Einstein. That look just barely worked for Einstein, who at least had the benefit of being a freakin' bona fide genius. Emulating his hair to imply your own intelligence actually makes me infer the opposite.

Shark Jumping

2005-11-16T11:46:00.000-08:00

Hard to tell who's jumping, exactly - Queer Eye or Kevin Bacon?

And in other link news - I will never be this desperate. Dying alone surrounded by cats waiting for me to die so they can eat my face doesn't seem as depressing as this.

Here's one that DODGED a vicious shark today - I know we've just met and all, but I LOVE the new Lostaways. Tonight's episode? Best episode ever. Well-timed, well-acted, sparse yet lush, filled in gaps while still leaving questions - WHERE have these people BEEN? Because I'm pretty sick of the folks on the other side of the island, with their lame little entanglements. Charlie and Claire? Uh, who died and made you Daddy? Mom doesn't seem all that thrilled about it... Kate and Sawyer, or Jack? Sawyer's TOO cartoonish, Jack's TOO full of himself, and Kate is - just trying TOO hard, I guess. And the Sayid and Shannon thing? AWFUL. No, really. AWFUL. He had just boarded a plane to reunite with the woman he'd tortured and loved and who had tortured his soul in return - and then ends up banging some 20-yr old blonde bee-yotch only 45 days later? I actually DID feel some sympathy for Shannon last week, until I read the timeline. She was wounded and abandoned just 2 years ago, and turned on the only family member who actually seemed to care about her 45 days ago?

Weekend Update

2005-11-13T20:43:00.000-08:00

On Friday, I had a sleepover with J.M. and M.D. III in Palo Alto. The next morning, we went over to meet S. & S.'s new baby, who is an adorable little peanut. She was asleep, so we didn't pick her up and fuss with her - but I look forward to playing with her soon.

We were talking about a conflict of social events I have in December - one event is a party in honor of 2 of my favorite people, and the other is a party at my band's drummer's house, with all new people. It would be geographically difficult to go to both, and since the band is going to play at the 2nd party, that's where I will end up. J.M. said I SHOULD go to that one, since all of the parties my college friends have feature lots of married couples or gay men. And boy ain't that the truth.

I recently got a new journal, "The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Journal", which features illustrations and brief tips from the well-known "Worst-Case" series. I've found that sometimes these tips inspire me to create new ways to frame my own experiences. For instance, "Blizzards: If you're in a car and caught in a blizzard, do not drive. Only run the motor every ten minutes for warmth, crack open the windows for ventilation, and wait until the blizzard subsides." A clear parallel for my love life. I should only think about it sporadically, for short periods of time, just so I don't die. But mostly, I need to just hang out until the drought ends.

I liked this one, too, because it taps into my overly active flight response: "Killer Bees: If bees begin flying around you, do not freeze; do not swat them. Run away."

They Might Be AWESOME

2005-11-06T22:30:00.000-08:00

If you have not yet seen They Might Be Giants in concert, and you are not yet dead, then it should be on the list of things to do before you die. 2nd. Best. Concert. Ever! (Peter Gabriel's "Us" tour is still the penultimate.) I saw them at Bimbo's, which is a really cool venue, on Friday night. L. and R. and I went to Kennedy's beforehand, for a pitcher of Kingfisher beer and a curry, and some air hockey.

John and John (we're close) opened with a preview of their "Venue Songs" CD. I had heard the "Anaheim House of Blues" song before, but all the others were unfamiliar. AND IT WAS STILL GREAT!!! WHO can play songs you don't know and they're still great? They Might Be Giants, THAT'S who.

Another thing to put on your "must do" list, watch Born into Brothels on DVD. If you saw it in the theaters (I didn't), it would still be worth watching on DVD because of the extra material and follow-up with the kids. The subject matter is dark, and yet the story is uplifting. I love those kids.

If you blog it, they will read...

2005-11-02T22:09:00.000-08:00

You know how you enjoy a blog, and then you keep it bookmarked, and you feel sort of let down when nothing new has been posted for days or even weeks? Like Rabbit Blog, which sort of falls off my radar screen until I try to think of blogs I used to read regularly but they never updated.

I would hate to do that to you.

Fall has been - well, lengthy - at work. This was the first night this week I needed a cab voucher, and I am home before The Daily Show, so that's a good thing. The case has a deadline on Friday night but I have made it clear I am going to the They Might Be Giants show and They Might Have to Seek Medical Attention if they try to stop me. I have loved this band for YEARS, and actually can't believe it's taken me this long to go see them.

This morning I went back to the 6th grade classroom where I will be volunteering for the year. It was not quite as scary this time, because I worked with a small group of kids and largely ignored the chaos of the room around me. When I say chaos, and when I say scary - I mean it. This was like no classroom I'd ever been in. Kids shouting out, walking around, throwing pencils, passing notes to each other in plain sight, and totally disregarding assignments. It felt like a sitcom version of a classroom, or a scene from a movie BEFORE a renegade teacher comes in and "makes a difference". I'll be here one day a week, and I gotta tell ya - it may help, but these kids are screwed.

You know what I need? Some large evil corporation to give me a grant so I can go back to the classroom. Because it appears I've made it my mission to suck money out of large evil corporations, and I would at least like it to do someone good besides myself.

Homage

2005-10-24T23:07:00.000-07:00

An inspiring - if unstable - tribute to my beloved San Francisco. Thank you for the link, other K.M.!